Intimacy and Aging

Dear Jeff and Lori,

I love my wife but the space between us has been growing slowly for several years. We’re great partners in life, have made it through many ups and downs and launched two great kids into the world. But we both acknowledge that intimacy has become nearly non-existent. We’re at a loss as to what to do, especially as we deal with the physical ramifications of getting older. We plan date nights and I feel hopeful. But when we get home, we slip into the same pattern of putting on pajamas and reading or watching TV. We’ve even tried scheduling times for sex, but another priority or excuse will get in the way. It has become an awkward elephant that I think we’ve just learned to avoid, but I don’t want to accept that sex is no longer going to be part of our lives. How can we get out of this rut?

Signed, Out of Gas

When is it time to get help for marriage?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

Our marriage is pretty good but we have one or two issues that keep coming up and we can’t seem to get past them. My husband insists we can figure it out on our own but I think we need to get help from a professional. When is it time to get outside support?

Signed, On The Fence

Balancing emotional space in relationships

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband and I have a good marriage overall. My one wish is that we would have more emotional connection. I often find myself sharing important experiences, thoughts and feelings with him and would really love for him to do the same. He has told me he thinks I’m too emotional in general, but especially when we’re arguing. My belief is that he’s not emotional enough. Is there a way to invite more emotion from him, or are we just fundamentally different in this area?

Signed, Needing Emotional Balance

Microdosing and your relationship

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My long-term partner has recently started daily microdosing. In his 20s, he used alcohol to what I would consider excess and in his 30s switched primarily to marijuana. He says microdosing is great for his mental health, that it takes the edge off of his anxiety and self-consciousness while allowing him to be more present than pot does. I want to support him in being happy, but don’t like that he’s using daily. It’s hard for me not knowing when he is and isn’t sober and he says if I can’t tell then it shouldn’t matter. Is microdosing everyday okay?

Signed, Psilocybin Skeptic

Valentine’s Day Edition: Enhance intimacy and deepen connection

Dear Readers,

Ideally, Valentine’s Day inspires a little extra romance in your relationship. But for many couples, the stress of creating the ultimate date or receiving the perfect gift eclipses the focus of simply enjoying one another. Having a meaningful Valentine’s, regardless of the current state of your relationship, starts with tuning into each other and tuning out the commercial hype and Instagram comparisons. We’re not dissuading you from buying a lovely present or planning a delicious dinner, but instead are encouraging you to not let that be the end goal. Every relationship has room to repair rifts or enhance intimacy. Today is an opportune time to recognize your strengths as a couple and begin playing with new practices for growing together. Here are a few options to get you started.

Empty nest; now where does our marriage go?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband and I have been married for 22 years and we’ve recently become empty nesters. We still seem to get along well and are respectful and appreciative of each other, but over the years we’ve developed two separate lives: he’s a cyclist and I’m a runner, he stays up late and I go to bed early. We prefer very different movies, music and tv shows. We are intimate infrequently but neither of us seems to mind even though we both enjoy it when we do connect. With the glue of our kids no longer holding us together, I’m worried that we will simply drift apart and head in separate directions. What can we do to course-correct and get back on the same path?

Sincerely, Two Ships

Worried about wife's drinking

Dear Lori and Jeff:

My wife works from home as a part-time freelancer and takes care of our sixteen month old son. Almost every night when I get home from work, she cracks open a bottle of wine and manages to polish it off by the time we finish dinner. I’ve let her know that I think she’s drinking too much and she says if I had days like hers with the kid and work, I’d be drinking that much too. She swears that she doesn’t drink during the day and I believe her, but our marriage has suffered greatly from a lack of intimacy since our son was born and increased tension when she’s drinking. We saw a couple’s therapist twice but none of the tools they suggested are working. Any ideas?

Signed, Beset by the Bottle

Tools to create a better marriage in 2023

Dear Readers,

The new year begins a surge of energy for fresh beginnings, redefining oneself, and closing chapters that no longer serve us. And in this light, it may not be surprising that for the last several years, January has been dubbed divorce month. Some couples considering ending their relationship choose to push through one last holiday season “for the family.” Others decide they just can’t go through one more year of being unhappy with their partners.

Wife has unrealistic financial expectations

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife is dead set on sending our kids to private school next year and we simply can’t afford it. When the kids were born, she chose to step away from her successful career to embrace motherhood, which I fully supported. When we both worked full time, we had a lifestyle that left neither of us wanting for much of anything. Her expectations have remained even though our income is almost halved. She has always had some level of focus on our social status and I think this school decision is just another example. Her friends’ kids go to this school, and I think she has been feeling left out. I’m not willing to go broke so she can feel socially elite. We need help talking about this without arguing every time.

Signed, Fiscally Stressed Spouse

Partner doesn’t share my spiritual path and views

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My partner and I have recently begun talking more seriously about marriage. He possesses many of the qualities I believe are important in a spouse; he’s genuinely kind, trustworthy, responsible and reliable, and we share many interests. We also have great chemistry and laugh often. However, I find myself deeply unfulfilled in the relationship when it comes to exploring spirituality. Yoga, meditation, and eastern-based health and wellness are integral to my lifestyle. I’d always imagined marrying someone I could practice with and who would help me continue to grow and expand in this realm. My partner is incredibly analytical and skeptical about much of what I believe in. He always supports me in doing what I want, but also politely chooses not to engage with me. Is this a dealbreaker?

Signed, Spiritually Unsatisfied

How to manage family conflict during the holidays

Dear Lori and Jeff,

With the holidays quickly approaching I thought I’d reach out to see if you can help with an ongoing issue. My wife and I traditionally spend Thanksgiving with my family, but based on how things usually go, I’m already feeling anxious about it. Both of our families have their issues, but mine seems to escalate into not only frustration and annoyance with my family members but with my wife as well. She never seems to understand what’s going on and that the emotional space I retreat to has very little to do with her and all to do with my family, especially my mom.

Signed, Holiday Hesitant

Husband won't set boundaries with his mom

Dear Jeff and Lori:

My husband has always had a very close relationship with his mother. When his father passed away last year, he strongly advocated for his mom to move near us with the expectation that she would help with our two elementary school aged children. After she settled in I noticed just how much medication she takes on a daily basis for pain, anxiety and sleep. She also has no reservations about having a glass of wine or two with dinner, and sometimes lunch. I told my husband I don’t want her in charge of the kids, as she doesn’t always seem fully present. He continues to minimize her use, saying it’s all physician prescribed and highlighting how difficult the loss of her husband has been. I think he’s afraid of hurting her. We’re arguing constantly and in the meantime, I keep creating plans and excuses to keep the kids from being in her care. I can’t keep going on like this. Please help.

Signed, Distressed Daughter-In-Law

How to decide whether to open the relationship?

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My partner and I fell in love because we’re both a little unconventional in how we see life and the world. When we got married, we both had full intention of maintaining traditional monogamy, but as time has gone on and our relationship has shifted, I’m starting to wonder whether something more open or alternative would be a better fit for us. We love each other and have no desire to end the relationship. But I also feel like there could be a lot more to experience and feel. We had much more joy, excitement and passion early on, and I believe we both deserve to feel some of that again. My partner has expressed being willing to discuss it, but then is reluctant when we actually do have the chance to talk. How can I make it easier for them to explore the topic, and what advice do you have for making a decision like this?

Signed, Questioning Tradition

How to save a marriage that has gone stale

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My wife and I have been married for 4 years. We met a little later in life and neither of us wanted kids. Like most couples, the first few years were great, but as time has passed, our relationship has become increasingly stale. We work, eat dinner, have the same “how was your day” conversation, watch our shows, occasionally have what I feel is routine sex, go to sleep and repeat. Even the weekends have begun to feel monotonous. We spend an afternoon together going for a hike, and maybe go out for dinner with friends and the rest of the time apart. Traveling together is still fun, but our marriage isn’t going to survive on a few trips a year. We’ve talked about getting a dog, but it seems like it would just be trying to fill the space that’s grown between us. I know I can’t go another 4 years like this, let alone the rest of my life. What can we do?

Signed, Stagnant Spouse

The Functional Love model for resolving communication issues

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My husband and I are having significant communication problems. From the beginning of our relationship we’ve struggled with talking about a few specific issues, but our relationship has devolved to arguing over just about everything now. We love each other and want to continue building a life together, but can’t seem to get out of this cycle. We both acknowledge being part of the problem and neither of us wants to hurt the other. We’ve tried therapy in the past and were encouraged to use communication tools including “I feel statements,” taking time outs and reflective listening, but as much as each of us wants to do better, we keep repeating the same patterns. When we’re not arguing, our connection feels strong. What are other tools we can use to communicate better and have more consistent ease in our relationship?

Signed, Communication Breakdown

Can we separate but stay in the same home?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband and I have consistently struggled to resolve our marital issues and have been discussing divorce for the last six months. We’ve avoided taking any steps to initiate it in large part because of the exorbitant costs of having separate households. We have two kids in elementary school and both work full time, so the financial strain of separation would significantly impact our lives. Because we don’t have an easy way through, I’ve started to wonder if we just need to make it work. Despite the romantic disconnect and frequent bickering, we do work really well at navigating the day-to-day responsibilities. Regardless of our marriage’s future, we’ve both expressed wanting to stay in our current home and neither wants to have to move. Could it be possible to live under the same roof but have separate lives?

Signed, Housing Hamstrung

Spouse won't forgive me for affair

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I had an affair five years ago during a very turbulent time in my marriage. Through my own work, I have come to understand my insecurities and protective patterns that lead me to transgress. I have owned my mistake, and in my mind have paid my penance. I’ve continuously made efforts to prioritize my husband and put his needs first to prove my commitment, but he refuses to forgive me and move on. We have kids and manage day to day life well together and our connection feels positive when we’re following his lead, whether that’s accommodating his schedule or vacationing to the destination he chooses. But it feels like every time I try to assert my needs and wants, he reminds me of how much he has had to suffer because of my affair. What do I have to do to be on even ground again?

Signed, Stuck In Purgatory

How to know when it's time to divorce

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My husband and I have been together for 16 years and have been struggling beyond what I would call a normal slump. It feels as though we’re constantly walking on eggshells with each other and only ever talk about our daughter or what needs to be done for the week. It would be easy to blame our problems on COVID and both working from home, but these issues were brewing for years before. I know we both have love for each other, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with a husband who feels like a roommate. We’ve both expressed being unhappy at various times but nothing has changed. How do we know when it’s time to move on?

Signed, Raise The White Flag?

How to begin healing sibling estrangement

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My younger sister and I have a tumultuous relationship bordering on estrangement. Our father passed away six years ago and I have been my mother’s primary caregiver since. I have asked my sister numerous times for help and she has never come through, always having an excuse for why she can’t. Our mother’s health has begun to decline rapidly and we’re all aware that her time here is quickly coming to an end. I’m feeling incredibly resentful and teetering on enraged that now all of a sudden, my sister is showing an interest in our mom. I truly believe it is only motivated by the inheritance she’s wanting to secure. I feel at a loss for what to do. We used to be close, and my mom wants nothing more than for us to be there for each other after she’s gone, but I don’t know how to trust her.

Signed, Seething Sister

Wife cares too much about everyone else

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My wife is one of the most caring and compassionate people I have ever known and I love her for it. However, sometimes I feel that the level to which she cares for others is unhealthy. We have a long-time mutual friend who has been going through some challenges and my wife has lost all perspective on what is appropriate. She goes to her house multiple times a week and talks to her every night, then complains that she doesn’t have any time for herself. I feel like she’s neglecting our marriage. I keep asking her to set boundaries with this woman, but she won’t. How can I help her see what’s happening?

Signed, Feeling Forgotten

She Said, He Said: A Relationship advice blog written by Married, Marriage Therapists

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