Partner doesn’t share my spiritual path and views

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My partner and I have recently begun talking more seriously about marriage. He possesses many of the qualities I believe are important in a spouse; he’s genuinely kind, trustworthy, responsible and reliable, and we share many interests. We also have great chemistry and laugh often. However, I find myself deeply unfulfilled in the relationship when it comes to exploring spirituality. Yoga, meditation, and eastern-based health and wellness are integral to my lifestyle. I’d always imagined marrying someone I could practice with and who would help me continue to grow and expand in this realm. My partner is incredibly analytical and skeptical about much of what I believe in. He always supports me in doing what I want, but also politely chooses not to engage with me. Is this a dealbreaker?

Signed, Spiritually Unsatisfied

How to manage family conflict during the holidays

Dear Lori and Jeff,

With the holidays quickly approaching I thought I’d reach out to see if you can help with an ongoing issue. My wife and I traditionally spend Thanksgiving with my family, but based on how things usually go, I’m already feeling anxious about it. Both of our families have their issues, but mine seems to escalate into not only frustration and annoyance with my family members but with my wife as well. She never seems to understand what’s going on and that the emotional space I retreat to has very little to do with her and all to do with my family, especially my mom.

Signed, Holiday Hesitant

Husband won't set boundaries with his mom

Dear Jeff and Lori:

My husband has always had a very close relationship with his mother. When his father passed away last year, he strongly advocated for his mom to move near us with the expectation that she would help with our two elementary school aged children. After she settled in I noticed just how much medication she takes on a daily basis for pain, anxiety and sleep. She also has no reservations about having a glass of wine or two with dinner, and sometimes lunch. I told my husband I don’t want her in charge of the kids, as she doesn’t always seem fully present. He continues to minimize her use, saying it’s all physician prescribed and highlighting how difficult the loss of her husband has been. I think he’s afraid of hurting her. We’re arguing constantly and in the meantime, I keep creating plans and excuses to keep the kids from being in her care. I can’t keep going on like this. Please help.

Signed, Distressed Daughter-In-Law

How to decide whether to open the relationship?

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My partner and I fell in love because we’re both a little unconventional in how we see life and the world. When we got married, we both had full intention of maintaining traditional monogamy, but as time has gone on and our relationship has shifted, I’m starting to wonder whether something more open or alternative would be a better fit for us. We love each other and have no desire to end the relationship. But I also feel like there could be a lot more to experience and feel. We had much more joy, excitement and passion early on, and I believe we both deserve to feel some of that again. My partner has expressed being willing to discuss it, but then is reluctant when we actually do have the chance to talk. How can I make it easier for them to explore the topic, and what advice do you have for making a decision like this?

Signed, Questioning Tradition

The Functional Love model for resolving communication issues

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My husband and I are having significant communication problems. From the beginning of our relationship we’ve struggled with talking about a few specific issues, but our relationship has devolved to arguing over just about everything now. We love each other and want to continue building a life together, but can’t seem to get out of this cycle. We both acknowledge being part of the problem and neither of us wants to hurt the other. We’ve tried therapy in the past and were encouraged to use communication tools including “I feel statements,” taking time outs and reflective listening, but as much as each of us wants to do better, we keep repeating the same patterns. When we’re not arguing, our connection feels strong. What are other tools we can use to communicate better and have more consistent ease in our relationship?

Signed, Communication Breakdown

Can we separate but stay in the same home?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband and I have consistently struggled to resolve our marital issues and have been discussing divorce for the last six months. We’ve avoided taking any steps to initiate it in large part because of the exorbitant costs of having separate households. We have two kids in elementary school and both work full time, so the financial strain of separation would significantly impact our lives. Because we don’t have an easy way through, I’ve started to wonder if we just need to make it work. Despite the romantic disconnect and frequent bickering, we do work really well at navigating the day-to-day responsibilities. Regardless of our marriage’s future, we’ve both expressed wanting to stay in our current home and neither wants to have to move. Could it be possible to live under the same roof but have separate lives?

Signed, Housing Hamstrung

Spouse won't forgive me for affair

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I had an affair five years ago during a very turbulent time in my marriage. Through my own work, I have come to understand my insecurities and protective patterns that lead me to transgress. I have owned my mistake, and in my mind have paid my penance. I’ve continuously made efforts to prioritize my husband and put his needs first to prove my commitment, but he refuses to forgive me and move on. We have kids and manage day to day life well together and our connection feels positive when we’re following his lead, whether that’s accommodating his schedule or vacationing to the destination he chooses. But it feels like every time I try to assert my needs and wants, he reminds me of how much he has had to suffer because of my affair. What do I have to do to be on even ground again?

Signed, Stuck In Purgatory

I'm married but attracted to my coworker

Dear Jeff and Lori,

I’ve been with my wife for fourteen years and married for nine. I love her and truly believe our marriage is good. I’m still very attracted to her, we are great at co-parenting and still really enjoy each other’s company. My struggle is that I’ve recently found myself very attracted to a coworker. There is a chemistry and spark with her that is invigorating. She’s smart, witty and playful and I look forward to being around her. I haven’t and won’t pursue anything outside of the office with her and I’m clear that I won’t cheat on my wife. What I want to know is whether this is normal for a married man to feel this way about someone else?

Signed, Attracted To Someone Else

Boyfriend didn't tell me our friend is his ex.

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. We met when I moved to the valley from the west coast. I didn’t really know anyone in this new community and I really enjoyed his group of friends so I quickly became part of the gang. A few weeks ago I found out that my boyfriend had had a pretty intense relationship with one of the other women in the group but no one, including my boyfriend, bothered to tell me about it. I don’t feel like I need to know their entire history, but the parts that could affect me in the present day seem to be important information for me to have. He says it’s in the past and he no longer has feelings for her but I think I should have been told as our relationship became more serious. Any thoughts?

Signed, Unknowing Friend Of His Ex

How to manage guilt over being able to travel more than spouse

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife and I both live in the valley and enjoy the different energy and tempo that comes with the shoulder seasons. The only challenge is that I work in the hospitality industry and am given several weeks off in October and April but my wife’s job keeps her busy year-round and she only gets two weeks of vacation every year. When the off-season rolls around, I’m itching to get out of town and go exploring but she’s stuck here with work. She is as supportive of me taking time to myself as she can be but I feel guilty when I go off on another adventure while she feels left behind. How do I make this situation more workable?

Signed, Time On My Hands

How to talk about improving sex with your spouse or partner

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My wife and I have been married for 17 years. We have a good marriage in that we both love and respect each other, and work well as partners in parenting and daily life. We had a great sexual connection in the early years of our marriage but over time it has become lackluster. I thought as our kids got older we would find that connection again, but they’re teenagers now and nothing has changed for the better. I don’t want to leave my marriage but I also can’t imagine spending the rest of my life feeling sexually muted. I want to grow and experiment in this area but my wife is content with occasional, routine and vanilla. I’m afraid of sounding like a stereotypical hormone driven male, but the truth is this is a big deal for me. What should I do?

Signed, Bedroom Doldrums

How do I tell my wife I might be gay?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I was raised in a traditional family in a fairly conservative community so I got married early and started my own family right away. My wife is a wonderful woman who has been focused on raising the kids but now that they are a bit older, she’s been wanting to rekindle our romantic relationship. For a long time I’ve suspected that I’m gay, and although I love my beautiful wife for the person she is, I have never really been physically attracted to her. I was able to be sexually involved in the beginning of our relationship and then after the kids were born, I was relieved that her interest faded. As I get older, I realize that I don’t want to go through the rest of my life never having explored or really known my own sexuality. At the same time, I don’t want to hurt my wonderful wife or our children. Do you have any advice?

Signed, Closet Claustrophobe

$What you do on a ‘break’ can fracture a relationship$

What you do on a ‘break’ can fracture a relationship

Dear Jeff and Lori

I had been dating my girlfriend for eight months when we decided to take a break in October. I love her, but we’ve had a few key problems from the beginning. We got to a point where we didn’t know how to stop arguing over these issues and thought a little time apart would help us re-center and get a little clarity on what we needed to make the relationship work. I went to Mexico with the intention of doing just that, but met a really cool woman while I was there. We spent a few weeks together and part of me is interested in getting to know her more. My problem is that when I came home, my girlfriend told me she loves me and is wanting to work on our relationship. I’m willing to put in the work with her to give it a real try, but I don’t know if I should tell her about this other woman I met. I won’t pursue a romantic relationship with her, but I don’t want to completely cut her friendship off either. What should I do?

Signed, Spill the Mexican Beans?

Boyfriend wants me to set boundaries with my ex's family

Dear Lori and Jeff,

When I was in high school, I was much closer to my boyfriend’s parents than I was to my own. Even after we broke up, I maintained a close relationship with them and still visit them whenever I’m back in my hometown. They helped me buy my first car and sometimes sent me money up until I was able to support myself. They are still a part of my life and send birthday and holiday gifts to my kids. My husband has never been comfortable with my relationship with my ex’s parents, and now that my ex is single again, my husband is asking me to set some stronger boundaries with them. I know their feelings will be hurt if I do so and truthfully, I don’t really want to. They have been the only real family I’ve had in my life. How do I navigate this?

Signed, Don’t Want To Choose

Are you speaking the same ‘Love Language’ or is affection lost in translation?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I've been dating my boyfriend for 6 years. We’ve periodically talked about getting married but I’ve struggled to make the commitment. We have similar values, interests and life goals, and in general I feel like we’re a good match for life partners. My hesitation is that I just don’t feel loved the way I’d like to. I don’t need to be adored or cherished, just to feel like I’m cared about and appreciated. I often compliment him and make little compromises to try to make his life easier, and just don’t feel that back from him. I believe he cares about me, but not sure if he’s willing to love me to the degree that I’ve been loving him. Sometimes I worry that we’re together because I keep showing up and have made it easy for him to not have to. How do I know?

What to do when fiancé's parents are insisting on a prenup

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My boyfriend and I are recently engaged. We’ve never really discussed finances and have kept most everything related to money separate. We split the cost of living expenses, even when we go out for dinner. After the engagement, he told me that his parents are insisting that I sign a prenup as apparently they have a lot of wealth and, unknown to me, so does he. He insists that he trusts me enough to marry me without a prenup and that it’s all his parents’ doing. I’m a bit overwhelmed by the whole thing. It’s not that I’m against signing one, I’m just not sure what it means and how it will impact our relationship.

Signed, Prenup Apprehension

My partner snooped through my phone. Is that a dealbreaker?

Dear Jeff and Lori,

I recently caught my girlfriend going through my phone. I gave her the passcode so she could look at photos from our trips together, not anticipating that she would continue using it to snoop. She says she has the right to know who I’m talking to and what’s being said. I’ve never cheated on her, but she has always been jealous of my female friends. I no longer have any contact with past casual hookups, but I’m not willing to cut off communication with other friends for my girlfriend. I believe a little privacy is healthy in relationships, but she is becoming increasingly insistent on having an all-access pass. Who’s right?

Signed, Over Her Shady Snooping

Husband wants sex more than I do

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband seems to want sex all the time—or at least it seems that way because he constantly brings up that we don’t do it often enough. I think he’s overly focused on it and is unrealistic about how often married couples are actually physically intimate. He says his sex drive is normal and that all guys feel this way. I try to explain that I’m just not in the mood as often as he is but he just becomes irritable towards me. He says that men need regular sex and I should have known that when I agreed to marry him. The tension has just gotten worse over time. He’s not relenting, and I don’t want to force myself to have sex just to keep the peace. How do we get past this?

Signed, Not In The Mood

Wife lied about her sexual past

Dear Lori and Jeff,

A few months ago when my wife and I were unpacking from a move, I came across an old notebook that contained the names of 50 or 60 men. When I asked my wife about it she said it was just a group of college research project participants, but she was so nervous in answering that I knew she wasn’t being honest. When I pressed the issue, she admitted that it was a list of men she had slept with before meeting me. When we were getting serious in our relationship, we went through the usual disclosure of our sexual pasts and she had made it sound like she had only been with around 15 other guys, which is more in line with my history. I don’t want to hold the past against her, but I’m struggling with the fact that she lied to me about such an important topic. I feel like I was robbed of the chance to decide for myself whether or not her dating history was a deal-breaker. Our marriage is mostly good and we have a three-year old child so I don’t want to blow things up, but I’m left feeling betrayed and stuck. What should I do?

Signed, Haunted by Her History

Rebuilding trust after financial infidelity

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I just recently found out that my wife has been keeping a secret bank account. We married six years ago, and at that time agreed to combine our finances. We both work full time and contribute equally to building our nest egg. I’m not necessarily upset about the money, but I’m incredibly angry that she has been lying to me this whole time. I don’t know how I’m supposed to trust her again. I love her and the life that we have together, but fear that we won’t ever get past this. Please help.

Sincerely, In The Dark

She Said, He Said: A Relationship advice blog written by Married, Marriage Therapists

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