Husband won't set boundaries with his mom

Dear Jeff and Lori:

My husband has always had a very close relationship with his mother. When his father passed away last year, he strongly advocated for his mom to move near us with the expectation that she would help with our two elementary school aged children. After she settled in I noticed just how much medication she takes on a daily basis for pain, anxiety and sleep. She also has no reservations about having a glass of wine or two with dinner, and sometimes lunch. I told my husband I don’t want her in charge of the kids, as she doesn’t always seem fully present. He continues to minimize her use, saying it’s all physician prescribed and highlighting how difficult the loss of her husband has been. I think he’s afraid of hurting her. We’re arguing constantly and in the meantime, I keep creating plans and excuses to keep the kids from being in her care. I can’t keep going on like this. Please help.

Signed, Distressed Daughter-In-Law

What to do when caring for aging parents puts stress on your relationship

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband and I have been married for twenty-six years and have had a fulfilling relationship raising our kids and supporting each other through life’s challenges. We’ve thoroughly enjoyed reconnecting since our kids moved out, but now my husband’s parents are both in their late eighties and have health and financial challenges. My husband’s solution is to have them move in with us but I have some serious hesitations to this suggested arrangement. While we do have the physical space to accommodate, I’m not sure we have the mental and emotional bandwidth to take on this new level of responsibility, especially since we’ve only been empty nesters for less than a year. Am I being too selfish?

Signed, Parenting Our Parents

How to deal with In-laws political views

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My wife has a very close relationship with her mother. Her father passed away several years ago, and her mother moved closer to us to be near us and our children. She has been a significant help in taking care of our kids, which has allowed my wife and I to keep our full time careers. However, my relationship with her has eroded due to our opposing political views. I cannot understand how she can maintain certain beliefs as they seem so narrow-minded. She has expressed feeling the same way about me. My wife is not very interested in politics, but is feeling angry for being put in the middle of this conflict. I feel stuck. My kids love their grandmother and we need her help, but I’m struggling to respect her as a person.

Signed, Stuck Son-In-Law

Manage the stress of visiting in-laws during the holiday

Dear Lori and Jeff,

Thanksgiving is coming up soon and I’m feeling really stressed. I’ve recently gotten engaged, and can’t wait to get married. But I am at my wits’ end with trying to figure out how to have a positive relationship with my future mother-in-law. She constantly compares me to my fiancé’s ex-wife, whom she adores, and still has a relationship with. It seems every time I’m in the same room as her she makes backhanded comments to and about me. He reassures me how much he loves me and that his mom just needs time to get to know me, but the more I’m around her, the less I want a relationship with her. He has a really close family, and it’s important to him that I make an effort. Help!

Signed, Future MIL Hates Me

Wife doesn't get along with my family

Dear Jeff and Lori,

I grew up with a very close family. My parents are still together and my siblings and I decided to stay in our hometown to be near them and each other. We have a very direct and honest way of being with each other. My wife of two years comes from a small family where everyone is focused on being polite. She recently told me she doesn’t like spending time with my family because, in her experience, they are abrasive and she feels criticized by them. I don’t see it that way. I think they really care and want what’s best for us. How can I get my wife to see that and be able to appreciate my family more?

Signed, Between A Rock And A Hard Place

How to manage in-laws' golden handcuffs

Dear Lori and Jeff,

When I met my wife five years ago, I had no idea of her financial status. I knew that her parents had a nice home and spent a lot of time traveling but she lived frugally and worked hard. When we got married, I learned about the extent of her family's substantial resources. Admittedly, they have been very generous—helping us with the down payment on our house, taking us on family vacations and starting college funds for our kids. The issue is that they’ve increasingly put pressure on us to raise the kids in specific ways, build our schedules and vacations around their needs, and spend money according to their values. We, and my wife in particular, have been struggling to say no because of everything they continue to give us.

Signed, Locked In Golden Handcuffs

How To Set New Boundaries In Your MIL-DIL Relationship

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My husband and I recently moved to the valley with our young child. We used to live near my mother-in-law and she was very supportive and engaged with us. Since we moved, her expectations of how much she should be able to visit and call are becoming overwhelming. My husband agrees, but isn't willing to set boundaries with her. He says he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings and I think he’s avoiding conflict with her. When I set boundaries with her, she complains to my husband about me. My husband and I rarely fought before this situation, but now we’re in a constant battle. How do I convince him to stand up to her?

Sincerely, Desperate Daughter-In-Law

How to Navigate Politics at Holiday Gatherings

Dear Jeff and Lori,

I get along great with my husband’s parents. We often go to their home for the holidays because they live closer than my family. This year his sister is also coming, and she and I always end up arguing. We have very different political views and she is outspoken and unrelenting about hers. My husband says I always put him in the middle, and this year he’s asked me to manage it on my own. How do I do that when she’s constantly provoking me? The holidays are a special time for my husband and me, so I want to try to make it as enjoyable as possible.

Signed, Struggling Sister-in-law

She Said, He Said: A Relationship advice blog written by Married, Marriage Therapists

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