Wife has unrealistic financial expectations

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife is dead set on sending our kids to private school next year and we simply can’t afford it. When the kids were born, she chose to step away from her successful career to embrace motherhood, which I fully supported. When we both worked full time, we had a lifestyle that left neither of us wanting for much of anything. Her expectations have remained even though our income is almost halved. She has always had some level of focus on our social status and I think this school decision is just another example. Her friends’ kids go to this school, and I think she has been feeling left out. I’m not willing to go broke so she can feel socially elite. We need help talking about this without arguing every time.

Signed, Fiscally Stressed Spouse

What to do when fiancé's parents are insisting on a prenup

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My boyfriend and I are recently engaged. We’ve never really discussed finances and have kept most everything related to money separate. We split the cost of living expenses, even when we go out for dinner. After the engagement, he told me that his parents are insisting that I sign a prenup as apparently they have a lot of wealth and, unknown to me, so does he. He insists that he trusts me enough to marry me without a prenup and that it’s all his parents’ doing. I’m a bit overwhelmed by the whole thing. It’s not that I’m against signing one, I’m just not sure what it means and how it will impact our relationship.

Signed, Prenup Apprehension

Rebuilding trust after financial infidelity

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I just recently found out that my wife has been keeping a secret bank account. We married six years ago, and at that time agreed to combine our finances. We both work full time and contribute equally to building our nest egg. I’m not necessarily upset about the money, but I’m incredibly angry that she has been lying to me this whole time. I don’t know how I’m supposed to trust her again. I love her and the life that we have together, but fear that we won’t ever get past this. Please help.

Sincerely, In The Dark

Financially dependent boyfriend wants to move in

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My boyfriend and I have been together for seven months and recently he’s been advocating to move in with me. We have a lot in common and I appreciate that he helps me have fun. He’s also incredibly loyal and tells me all of the time how much he loves me. However, I’ve spent my 20s and early 30s building a successful career and becoming financially independent. He’s still “enjoying” life and has been slower to figure out what he wants to do. As a result, I foot the bill for most of our dates and vacations. I wouldn’t mind if he was in school or actively working toward a career, but he spends a lot of time on the couch. I don’t want to become his bank account. However, he insists that if we live together, he’ll be more motivated and I wonder if this is the opportunity he needs to get his life on track.

Signed, Cohabitation Hesitation

Wife spends too much on kids Christmas presents

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife and I have two kids. We regularly talk about parenting, and usually discuss how we’re going to handle upcoming situations, which is why I’m now completely at a loss for how to manage the current fight we’re having. My wife and I agreed in early November that we were going to buy a modest amount of useful and thoughtful presents for our kids this year. I believe the focus on the holidays should be more about family and gratitude than gifts. My wife said she agreed. I just recently learned that my wife went crazy buying clothes, toys and electronics for them. When I asked her to return some of the items, she said our children are good kids and deserve to be spoiled every now and then, and we have the money to do it. Her arguments are valid, but not to the point. I’m so frustrated with her. How do we resolve this so it doesn’t ruin Christmas?

Signed, Who’s the Grinch?

My girlfriend makes more money than me, should I be worried?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My girlfriend and I have been together for about six months and everything seems to be going well except for the discrepancy in our incomes. I’m an artist, truly love what I do and make a reasonable living at it. She makes quite a bit more than I do but still supports me in my chosen profession. The challenge is she likes to travel first-class and eat at expensive restaurants and I just don’t have that in my budget. She is very generous and offers to pay when I can’t, but I’m worried that my financial status isn’t going to be attractive enough to her in the long run.

Signed, Don’t Want a Sugar Momma

How to manage in-laws' golden handcuffs

Dear Lori and Jeff,

When I met my wife five years ago, I had no idea of her financial status. I knew that her parents had a nice home and spent a lot of time traveling but she lived frugally and worked hard. When we got married, I learned about the extent of her family's substantial resources. Admittedly, they have been very generous—helping us with the down payment on our house, taking us on family vacations and starting college funds for our kids. The issue is that they’ve increasingly put pressure on us to raise the kids in specific ways, build our schedules and vacations around their needs, and spend money according to their values. We, and my wife in particular, have been struggling to say no because of everything they continue to give us.

Signed, Locked In Golden Handcuffs

How to Manage Resentment Over Wife for Not Working

My wife and I have been married for over 10 years and we have two kids. Things had been going well, for the most part, up until a few years ago. We’d previously agreed for my wife to stay home with the kids until they were both in school. However, for the first 2 years after the youngest started, my wife continued staying home.

Signed, Struggling To Move Forward

How can I get my husband to reach higher?

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My husband and I met in college. I was always a little more career driven than he was, but we were young, and I thought he’d grow into himself more as we got older. His family is wealthy and he has never had to worry about money. We both enjoy a lifestyle with a little luxury and moved to Aspen a few years ago. I have a great job that pays well, but is also demanding, and he works odd jobs that he really enjoys. I would like to be able to work a little less and not feel the pressure of being the financial provider, but he isn’t motivated to increase his income. Instead he relies on the safety net of his parents, which he accesses in times of need. I want to share this great life with him, but am tired of having to foot the bill. How can I get him to reach a higher potential?

Sincerely, Overextended

She Said, He Said: A Relationship advice blog written by Married, Marriage Therapists

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