My wife won’t forgive me

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My wife and I have been together for 16 years and the last few have been difficult. A year ago I had an emotional affair with a coworker that consisted of flirting in person and by text but went no further. It ended when she moved away and the distance gave me better perspective to know I was crossing a line. My wife found out shortly after and still has not forgiven me. For 8 months I’ve been on the receiving end of periods of silent treatment punctuated with anger and blame. Every once in a while she’ll acknowledge that leading up to my transgressions we were in a difficult place but insists that my betrayal was so far from warranted that she can’t understand how I could do this to her. We’re stuck, can you please give us some ideas of how to move forward.

Signed, Sentenced For Life

Friendship Or Emotional Affair?

Dear Jeff and Lori,

Everyone who meets my wife loves her immediately. She has always been a little more social than me and is continuously making new friends. I’ve learned to be comfortable with all of her connections, knowing that I need to support her in being herself. However, I recently saw text messages on her phone from a guy that to me crossed a line. They have been communicating frequently, he calls her beautiful, and alludes to conversations about things she has been struggling with that I’m not even sure I fully know about. When I confronted her, she assured me they were just friends and that he knows she is happily married. She said he’s a very kind person who works at a non-profit where she volunteers and that I’m simply reading the situation wrong. I don’t believe she has done anything physical with him, but their interactions feel inappropriate. It’s making me not trust her even more that she won’t acknowledge how I feel. How can I get her to see that?

Signed, Vexed By Texts

Hurt by wife’s emotional affair

Dear Lori and Jeff,

Recently I found out that my wife has been having an emotional affair. She had been going through some tough times with the passing of her mom. I’ll admit that I wasn’t really available to support her through it as I travel a lot for my job. She has plenty of girlfriends to rely on so I never thought she’d get emotionally attached to another man. I know I need to work on showing up for her more but I’m angry that she didn’t tell me how bad it was getting for her. If she had said she was this unhappy, I would have figured out how to create more time for her. Now I don’t know how we get back from here. We both want our marriage to work but she’s resentful and I’m having a hard time trusting her. She said she has broken off communication with the other guy, but short of constantly checking her phone, I’m not sure how I can believe her.

Sincerely, Trust Busted

Spouse won't forgive me for affair

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I had an affair five years ago during a very turbulent time in my marriage. Through my own work, I have come to understand my insecurities and protective patterns that lead me to transgress. I have owned my mistake, and in my mind have paid my penance. I’ve continuously made efforts to prioritize my husband and put his needs first to prove my commitment, but he refuses to forgive me and move on. We have kids and manage day to day life well together and our connection feels positive when we’re following his lead, whether that’s accommodating his schedule or vacationing to the destination he chooses. But it feels like every time I try to assert my needs and wants, he reminds me of how much he has had to suffer because of my affair. What do I have to do to be on even ground again?

Signed, Stuck In Purgatory

How to reconnect and rebuild after an affair

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband and I have been through several significant rough patches in our 16 years of marriage. A year ago I learned he was newly involved in an affair. While it was a shock, I also recognize there were ways in which I hadn’t been showing up in the marriage. He cut off communication with the other woman and we agreed we wanted to stay together. However, we can’t seem to really reconnect. We care about each other and work well logistically in managing our home and the kids, but it always feels like we’re on eggshells. We just want to get back to where we were before the affair. How do we get back there.

Signed, Get It Back

Rebuilding trust after financial infidelity

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I just recently found out that my wife has been keeping a secret bank account. We married six years ago, and at that time agreed to combine our finances. We both work full time and contribute equally to building our nest egg. I’m not necessarily upset about the money, but I’m incredibly angry that she has been lying to me this whole time. I don’t know how I’m supposed to trust her again. I love her and the life that we have together, but fear that we won’t ever get past this. Please help.

Sincerely, In The Dark

How to handle husband's flirting at work

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband is a professional bartender at a nice restaurant, makes a good living and, for the most part, really enjoys his job. Several weeks ago I went to pick him up at the restaurant but had to sit at the bar for a while, waiting for him to finish his shift. I noticed one of the cocktail servers being overtly flirtatious with him. She didn’t know I was his wife but she certainly knows he’s married. I don’t think my husband would stray but she’s young and very attractive and seems to be presenting him with an opportunity that leaves me a bit worried. Should I start a discussion about this with my husband or should I let it go, trusting that he’ll do the right thing?

Signed, Worried Wife

How can I understand why my partner cheated

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband and I have been married for over fifteen years and have three beautiful children. We’ve had our ups and downs over the years but I honestly thought things were going well between us. About three months ago, I found out he had an affair with an ex-girlfriend. He says it’s over now and was a huge mistake and that he still loves me and wants me to forgive him. I do still love him and want to make things work, but I still can’t wrap my head around why he did what he did. Can you help me understand?

Signed, Can’t Move Forward

Where's the line between porn and cheating?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I recently discovered that my husband has been spending a lot of time viewing online porn. I've looked through some of the sites he's been on, but because some have different levels of interaction, I can't tell exactly what he's been up to. I've asked him what he's been doing and why, but he shuts down. There are some things I'm willing to accept, but I don't know where the line gets crossed into cheating. I'm worried because I thought our sex life was pretty good, but neither of us have had much time or energy to connect lately. I want to understand what's going on with him, and where it's reasonable for me to draw the line?

Signed, Where's My Line?

Cheater at heart, or just getting it out of his system?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

One of my closest friends is getting married, and I'm fairly certain her fiance is cheating on her. We live in a small town, and there have been multiple rumors of him sleeping with other women. There's even talk that he's trying to get what he can before he ties the knot. I've confronted him, and he denies it. I don't believe him. I've tried bringing it up to my friend in both gentle and direct ways, but she is so in love with him that she won't listen. I'm worried she's making a huge mistake by marrying this guy. What else can I do? Is it really possible that if he is cheating now, he'll become faithful when they marry?

Signed, Suspicious Friend

She Said, He Said: A Relationship advice blog written by Married, Marriage Therapists

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