Empty nest; now where does our marriage go?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband and I have been married for 22 years and we’ve recently become empty nesters. We still seem to get along well and are respectful and appreciative of each other, but over the years we’ve developed two separate lives: he’s a cyclist and I’m a runner, he stays up late and I go to bed early. We prefer very different movies, music and tv shows. We are intimate infrequently but neither of us seems to mind even though we both enjoy it when we do connect. With the glue of our kids no longer holding us together, I’m worried that we will simply drift apart and head in separate directions. What can we do to course-correct and get back on the same path?

Sincerely, Two Ships

Worried about wife's drinking

Dear Lori and Jeff:

My wife works from home as a part-time freelancer and takes care of our sixteen month old son. Almost every night when I get home from work, she cracks open a bottle of wine and manages to polish it off by the time we finish dinner. I’ve let her know that I think she’s drinking too much and she says if I had days like hers with the kid and work, I’d be drinking that much too. She swears that she doesn’t drink during the day and I believe her, but our marriage has suffered greatly from a lack of intimacy since our son was born and increased tension when she’s drinking. We saw a couple’s therapist twice but none of the tools they suggested are working. Any ideas?

Signed, Beset by the Bottle

Wife has unrealistic financial expectations

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife is dead set on sending our kids to private school next year and we simply can’t afford it. When the kids were born, she chose to step away from her successful career to embrace motherhood, which I fully supported. When we both worked full time, we had a lifestyle that left neither of us wanting for much of anything. Her expectations have remained even though our income is almost halved. She has always had some level of focus on our social status and I think this school decision is just another example. Her friends’ kids go to this school, and I think she has been feeling left out. I’m not willing to go broke so she can feel socially elite. We need help talking about this without arguing every time.

Signed, Fiscally Stressed Spouse

How to manage family conflict during the holidays

Dear Lori and Jeff,

With the holidays quickly approaching I thought I’d reach out to see if you can help with an ongoing issue. My wife and I traditionally spend Thanksgiving with my family, but based on how things usually go, I’m already feeling anxious about it. Both of our families have their issues, but mine seems to escalate into not only frustration and annoyance with my family members but with my wife as well. She never seems to understand what’s going on and that the emotional space I retreat to has very little to do with her and all to do with my family, especially my mom.

Signed, Holiday Hesitant

Husband won't set boundaries with his mom

Dear Jeff and Lori:

My husband has always had a very close relationship with his mother. When his father passed away last year, he strongly advocated for his mom to move near us with the expectation that she would help with our two elementary school aged children. After she settled in I noticed just how much medication she takes on a daily basis for pain, anxiety and sleep. She also has no reservations about having a glass of wine or two with dinner, and sometimes lunch. I told my husband I don’t want her in charge of the kids, as she doesn’t always seem fully present. He continues to minimize her use, saying it’s all physician prescribed and highlighting how difficult the loss of her husband has been. I think he’s afraid of hurting her. We’re arguing constantly and in the meantime, I keep creating plans and excuses to keep the kids from being in her care. I can’t keep going on like this. Please help.

Signed, Distressed Daughter-In-Law

How to save a marriage that has gone stale

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My wife and I have been married for 4 years. We met a little later in life and neither of us wanted kids. Like most couples, the first few years were great, but as time has passed, our relationship has become increasingly stale. We work, eat dinner, have the same “how was your day” conversation, watch our shows, occasionally have what I feel is routine sex, go to sleep and repeat. Even the weekends have begun to feel monotonous. We spend an afternoon together going for a hike, and maybe go out for dinner with friends and the rest of the time apart. Traveling together is still fun, but our marriage isn’t going to survive on a few trips a year. We’ve talked about getting a dog, but it seems like it would just be trying to fill the space that’s grown between us. I know I can’t go another 4 years like this, let alone the rest of my life. What can we do?

Signed, Stagnant Spouse

The Functional Love model for resolving communication issues

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My husband and I are having significant communication problems. From the beginning of our relationship we’ve struggled with talking about a few specific issues, but our relationship has devolved to arguing over just about everything now. We love each other and want to continue building a life together, but can’t seem to get out of this cycle. We both acknowledge being part of the problem and neither of us wants to hurt the other. We’ve tried therapy in the past and were encouraged to use communication tools including “I feel statements,” taking time outs and reflective listening, but as much as each of us wants to do better, we keep repeating the same patterns. When we’re not arguing, our connection feels strong. What are other tools we can use to communicate better and have more consistent ease in our relationship?

Signed, Communication Breakdown

How to know when it's time to divorce

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My husband and I have been together for 16 years and have been struggling beyond what I would call a normal slump. It feels as though we’re constantly walking on eggshells with each other and only ever talk about our daughter or what needs to be done for the week. It would be easy to blame our problems on COVID and both working from home, but these issues were brewing for years before. I know we both have love for each other, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with a husband who feels like a roommate. We’ve both expressed being unhappy at various times but nothing has changed. How do we know when it’s time to move on?

Signed, Raise The White Flag?

How to manage guilt over being able to travel more than spouse

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife and I both live in the valley and enjoy the different energy and tempo that comes with the shoulder seasons. The only challenge is that I work in the hospitality industry and am given several weeks off in October and April but my wife’s job keeps her busy year-round and she only gets two weeks of vacation every year. When the off-season rolls around, I’m itching to get out of town and go exploring but she’s stuck here with work. She is as supportive of me taking time to myself as she can be but I feel guilty when I go off on another adventure while she feels left behind. How do I make this situation more workable?

Signed, Time On My Hands

Husband doesn't support my career dreams

Dear Jeff and Lori,

Shortly after we married, my husband decided he wanted to change careers and I supported him in going back to school. It was a real struggle for me to be the primary earner, manage our home and care for our newborn. We made it through and are now able to afford a comfortable lifestyle on his income. I have always wanted to be an artist and now that we have the security, I’d like to go back to school myself. My husband has been supportive of my painting as a hobby, but he pushes back when I tell him I want to pursue a degree in art. He’s focused on the financial ROI, the costs of having to find childcare and that he doesn’t want any more responsibility at home. I’m becoming more resentful by the day. How do we get through this?

Signed, Artist In Waiting

How to resolve parenting conflicts for a healthier marriage

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My husband and I have fallen into a place in our marriage where we are always on edge with each other. From the beginning of our relationship, his career has always had more income potential than mine. Even though I enjoyed my work, staying home with my kids (aged 5 and 2) has been more important. My husband thinks that because the kids are in daycare a few days a week, it should be easy for me to take care of them, manage the errands and household, and have time for myself and him. I’m increasingly frustrated that these are his kids and his home and yet he thinks financially providing is all he needs to do. I want him to put in effort to help me with dinner, bath and bedtime, but he believes he deserves to unwind and take care of his own needs in the evenings. Who’s right?

Signed, Needing A Partner

How to keep the marriage strong while in business together

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife and I started a business together fourteen years ago, shortly after we married. I love her and appreciate how her personality and skill set complements mine. However, I feel as though we are primarily connected through our work and not our relationship. Our lives have evolved to revolve around business. There is no off-switch to separate our personal time together from work and conversations, frustrations and conflicts bleed into dinner, bedtime and vacations. After so many years in this place, I’m starting to wonder if we will have a connection or anything in common when we sell the business, which we’re hoping to do in the next few years. Both of us recognize that there’s a problem, but we can’t seem to get ourselves out of it. We’d appreciate any thoughts or ideas to help us grow in our relationship.

Signed, All Work No Passion

How to talk about improving sex with your spouse or partner

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My wife and I have been married for 17 years. We have a good marriage in that we both love and respect each other, and work well as partners in parenting and daily life. We had a great sexual connection in the early years of our marriage but over time it has become lackluster. I thought as our kids got older we would find that connection again, but they’re teenagers now and nothing has changed for the better. I don’t want to leave my marriage but I also can’t imagine spending the rest of my life feeling sexually muted. I want to grow and experiment in this area but my wife is content with occasional, routine and vanilla. I’m afraid of sounding like a stereotypical hormone driven male, but the truth is this is a big deal for me. What should I do?

Signed, Bedroom Doldrums

I want to make healthy changes, but my spouse isn't supportive

Dear Jeff and Lori,

I want to use the new year as a fresh start to begin living a healthier lifestyle. My husband and I met in our 20’s and we both prioritized going out and having a good time. We’re in our 30’s now and drinking several nights a week just doesn’t have the same appeal for me. I don’t like how tired I am all the time and want to feel better in and about my body. It’s always been hard for me to motivate myself to make positive changes and I’ve only ever been successful with someone else doing it with me. My husband says he likes our lives as they are and has no intention of doing anything differently. He’s even gone as far as even giving me a hard time about not wanting to go out so much. Please help.

Signed, New Year, Less Beer

What to do when caring for aging parents puts stress on your relationship

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband and I have been married for twenty-six years and have had a fulfilling relationship raising our kids and supporting each other through life’s challenges. We’ve thoroughly enjoyed reconnecting since our kids moved out, but now my husband’s parents are both in their late eighties and have health and financial challenges. My husband’s solution is to have them move in with us but I have some serious hesitations to this suggested arrangement. While we do have the physical space to accommodate, I’m not sure we have the mental and emotional bandwidth to take on this new level of responsibility, especially since we’ve only been empty nesters for less than a year. Am I being too selfish?

Signed, Parenting Our Parents

How to reconnect and rebuild after an affair

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband and I have been through several significant rough patches in our 16 years of marriage. A year ago I learned he was newly involved in an affair. While it was a shock, I also recognize there were ways in which I hadn’t been showing up in the marriage. He cut off communication with the other woman and we agreed we wanted to stay together. However, we can’t seem to really reconnect. We care about each other and work well logistically in managing our home and the kids, but it always feels like we’re on eggshells. We just want to get back to where we were before the affair. How do we get back there.

Signed, Get It Back

Husband wants sex more than I do

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband seems to want sex all the time—or at least it seems that way because he constantly brings up that we don’t do it often enough. I think he’s overly focused on it and is unrealistic about how often married couples are actually physically intimate. He says his sex drive is normal and that all guys feel this way. I try to explain that I’m just not in the mood as often as he is but he just becomes irritable towards me. He says that men need regular sex and I should have known that when I agreed to marry him. The tension has just gotten worse over time. He’s not relenting, and I don’t want to force myself to have sex just to keep the peace. How do we get past this?

Signed, Not In The Mood

Torn between trip with friends and anniversary with wife

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I’ve been invited to go on a guy’s bike trip this spring but it’s the same time as my anniversary when my wife had planned a weekend getaway. I was trying to figure out a way to overlap the two events by having my wife meet me right after the bike trip but I would also have to leave the bike trip a day early, which means they would have to change the route a bit to get me back in time. I know it looks like I’m tweaking things so that I can do it all, but I’m really just trying to make everyone happy. My wife says I’m trying to manipulate the situation and everyone involved so I can get what I want. What’s your take?

Signed, Am I Being Selfish?

Healthy communication requires knowing when to listen and when to offer advice

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I am really struggling with my husband who is a great guy but most of the time just doesn’t understand me. Whenever I ask to talk with him about something that’s bothering me, he jumps right in and tries to fix it without fully hearing what I have to say. While I appreciate his desire to help me, he seems to have no idea of how I’m feeling or what I’m actually going through. How can I get him to listen to me without needing to fix it every time?

Signed, Not Looking For A Handyman

Wife stopped putting effort into her appearance

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife is a beautiful, amazing, multifaceted woman. We’ve been together 8 years and throughout our relationship she would play hard and get dirty just as often as she would put on a dress. Since COVID hit, I’ve really only seen her in sweats. I completely understand why—there hasn’t been much reason to dress up, and with all the stress it’s nice to just be comfortable. We still have fun together, but I miss relating with my feminine, sexy wife. I’m not expecting make-up and heels, but is there a way I can encourage her to wear something other than her daytime pajamas once in a while?

Signed, Sick of Sweats

She Said, He Said: A Relationship advice blog written by Married, Marriage Therapists

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