Dear Readers,
The new year begins a surge of energy for fresh beginnings, redefining oneself, and closing chapters that no longer serve us. And in this light, it may not be surprising that for the last several years, January has been dubbed divorce month. Some couples considering ending their relationship choose to push through one last holiday season “for the family.” Others decide they just can’t go through one more year of being unhappy with their partners.
Read MoreDear Jeff and Lori,
My wife and I have been married for 4 years. We met a little later in life and neither of us wanted kids. Like most couples, the first few years were great, but as time has passed, our relationship has become increasingly stale. We work, eat dinner, have the same “how was your day” conversation, watch our shows, occasionally have what I feel is routine sex, go to sleep and repeat. Even the weekends have begun to feel monotonous. We spend an afternoon together going for a hike, and maybe go out for dinner with friends and the rest of the time apart. Traveling together is still fun, but our marriage isn’t going to survive on a few trips a year. We’ve talked about getting a dog, but it seems like it would just be trying to fill the space that’s grown between us. I know I can’t go another 4 years like this, let alone the rest of my life. What can we do?
Signed, Stagnant Spouse
Read MoreDear Jeff and Lori,
My wife is one of the most caring and compassionate people I have ever known and I love her for it. However, sometimes I feel that the level to which she cares for others is unhealthy. We have a long-time mutual friend who has been going through some challenges and my wife has lost all perspective on what is appropriate. She goes to her house multiple times a week and talks to her every night, then complains that she doesn’t have any time for herself. I feel like she’s neglecting our marriage. I keep asking her to set boundaries with this woman, but she won’t. How can I help her see what’s happening?
Signed, Feeling Forgotten
Read MoreDear Lori and Jeff,
My wife and I started a business together fourteen years ago, shortly after we married. I love her and appreciate how her personality and skill set complements mine. However, I feel as though we are primarily connected through our work and not our relationship. Our lives have evolved to revolve around business. There is no off-switch to separate our personal time together from work and conversations, frustrations and conflicts bleed into dinner, bedtime and vacations. After so many years in this place, I’m starting to wonder if we will have a connection or anything in common when we sell the business, which we’re hoping to do in the next few years. Both of us recognize that there’s a problem, but we can’t seem to get ourselves out of it. We’d appreciate any thoughts or ideas to help us grow in our relationship.
Signed, All Work No Passion
Read MoreDear Lori and Jeff,
My wife and I were both ambivalent about kids for a long time but about a year ago we decided we’d try to have one. The last few months have been really difficult. We never imagined it would take this long to conceive. My wife has begun micromanaging my life, assuming that I’m the problem. She’s fixated on what I’m eating and drinking, and how much time I’m on my bike. I can’t stand being around her right now, I just find myself wanting to point out all the things she’s not doing perfectly. IVF is expensive and not really feasible for us so I’m ready to move on as just the two of us, but frankly I’m scared to tell her that. It’s crazy. Neither of us were adamant about being parents before, but now she’s become obsessed. This whole process is destroying our relationship. How do we get back to where we were?
Signed Missing My Marriage
Read MoreDear Lori and Jeff,
I’ve been invited to go on a guy’s bike trip this spring but it’s the same time as my anniversary when my wife had planned a weekend getaway. I was trying to figure out a way to overlap the two events by having my wife meet me right after the bike trip but I would also have to leave the bike trip a day early, which means they would have to change the route a bit to get me back in time. I know it looks like I’m tweaking things so that I can do it all, but I’m really just trying to make everyone happy. My wife says I’m trying to manipulate the situation and everyone involved so I can get what I want. What’s your take?
Signed, Am I Being Selfish?
Read MoreDear Lori and Jeff,
My wife is a beautiful, amazing, multifaceted woman. We’ve been together 8 years and throughout our relationship she would play hard and get dirty just as often as she would put on a dress. Since COVID hit, I’ve really only seen her in sweats. I completely understand why—there hasn’t been much reason to dress up, and with all the stress it’s nice to just be comfortable. We still have fun together, but I miss relating with my feminine, sexy wife. I’m not expecting make-up and heels, but is there a way I can encourage her to wear something other than her daytime pajamas once in a while?
Signed, Sick of Sweats
Read MoreDear Lori and Jeff,
My husband travels often for business, which in itself is not an issue. He loves his work, and I enjoy having my independence while he’s gone. Where we struggle is the adjustment period each time he comes back home. For several days we seem like oil and water before we find our groove. Once we’re back in sync our relationship is great, but these good periods are too fleeting because the next flight is always just around the corner. I’m sad that we waste so much time being short with each other. How can we reconnect more quickly to enjoy more of our time together?
Signed, Up in the Air
Read MoreDear Jeff and Lori,
My husband and I truly do love and respect each other, but I worry about being isolated together for weeks on end. We’re both very independent and invested in our careers, but as of now our work is fairly limited and we have an abundance of time on our hands together. The first week went well, treating it as a mini vacation to relax together, but already I can tell we’re starting to grate on one another. Can you give us some tips for how our relationship can stay strong through this?
Signed, Qualms in Quarantine
Read MoreDear Readers, We don’t think it’s an overstatement to say that, for most of us, life today is not the same as it was a few weeks ago. There is, without a doubt, more uncertainty, more stress and more confusion. The recent disruptions have led to greater feelings of anxiety and fear. Whether it’s concern for your health and the health of your loved ones, your financial well-being or even whether you’ll have enough toilet paper to make it through the next few weeks, we’ve all had our normal lives turned upside down and inside out.
Read MoreDear Lori and Jeff,
I often catch my wife lying about small things and it’s driving me crazy. I believe that she’s faithful, but can’t understand why she won’t be honest about why she’s often late or why she didn’t do the errands she said she would do. I know she doesn’t plan her days well, and this is a major issue in our marriage. She always tries to squeeze in time to do things for herself, but then she never admits it. The fact that she doesn’t get stuff done is frustrating enough, but lying about why she falls short is pushing me over the edge. How can I get her to tell the truth so that this marriage can last?
Signed, Truth Seeker
Read MoreDear Friends,
Welcome to 2020! The beginning of a new year offers a wonderful opportunity to reflect on who you are in your relationship today, and how you’ve come to be here. Every relationship cycles through periods of tension, resolution, flow and stagnation. Though many partners have an appreciation for the times of ease and steadiness, it’s the experience of evolving that keeps most of us feeling fulfilled in our relationships.
Read MoreDear Lori and Jeff
When my husband and I met, I was early in the process of starting my own small business. Recently it had grown to a point where I needed more help, and we decided it would be a good time for him to leave his job and work with me. Our business skill sets and strengths compliment each other well. But working together has been much harder than we ever anticipated. My husband is really smart, but it feels like he forgets that I’m the one that built the business from the ground up. We’ve both become more stubborn and critical of one another, and the tension has started to spill into our marriage. Can partners to be in business together and keep a healthy relationship?
Signed, Coworker Conundrum
Read MoreDear Lori and Jeff,
My husband and I have been married for over twenty years and our youngest child left for college this past fall. We got along well throughout the years and both feel as though we’re good parents. But now that the kids are out of the house, we don’t know how to interact anymore. We seem to be getting in each other’s way and there is little patience, lots of annoyance and frustration, and we need to find a way to reconnect or we may end up as silver-haired singles. Any thoughts?
Signed, Empty Nester
Read MoreDear Jeff and Lori,
I grew up with a very close family. My parents are still together and my siblings and I decided to stay in our hometown to be near them and each other. We have a very direct and honest way of being with each other. My wife of two years comes from a small family where everyone is focused on being polite. She recently told me she doesn’t like spending time with my family because, in her experience, they are abrasive and she feels criticized by them. I don’t see it that way. I think they really care and want what’s best for us. How can I get my wife to see that and be able to appreciate my family more?
Signed, Between A Rock And A Hard Place
Read MoreDear Jeff and Lori,
My husband and I used to play together outdoors year-round. It was a big part of what initially brought us together. We moved to Aspen a few years ago, and he became much more athletically competitive. I’m really proud of him and love cheering him on, but his need to keep getting stronger and faster has also resulted in me feeling left behind. Hiking, biking, and now skiing has become a battle just to keep up. He keeps pushing me because he doesn’t want to slow down and wait for me. I’ve told him it’s not fun for me to always have to go that hard, but he’s always training for something and not willing to miss the workout. I’m worried if we stay on this path that we’ll keep drifting apart.
Signed, Left Behind in the Bowl
Read MoreA letter to our readers:
We know, first hand, how easy it is to be swept up in the magic of the new year with festivities, friends and fresh starts. But we’d like to take this opportunity to invite you to sink a little deeper into what this joyous time really provides—opportunities for reflection and reconnection. Much of our work focuses on trying to understand what makes great relationships crumble. Time and time again, we observed complacency as a silent source of erosion. We could write chapters on why—fears, vulnerabilities, resentments, comfort and taking each other for granted are just a few. But for all of us in an intimate relationship, being able to recognize complacency and choosing to love a little more actively is a powerful game changer.
Read MoreDear Lori and Jeff,
My wife and I have been together for five years and are starting to drift apart. It doesn’t seem like there are any major issues, but the smaller daily interactions and disagreements are really starting to build up and take a toll on our connection. Sarcasm and snippy comments seem to be the default mode of our communication. Everything looks great from the outside but I don’t want to wait until it’s too late to ask for help. What can I do?
Signed, Drifting Apart
Read MoreDear Jeff and Lori,
My wife retired three months ago. She had a fulfilling career, but felt it had run its course and was ready to begin enjoying life more. Financially, we're in good shape, but I can't stop working for a few more years. I've noticed myself becoming more frustrated and irritated with my wife recently. It seems like all she does is hang out with friends, play tennis and shop, and she doesn't even seem all that happy. I thought after she retired she would want to spend more time with me, and would take up more responsibilities around the house. Now, I'm supporting both of us and she's not really showing up in the marriage. Am I expecting too much?
Signed, Missing My Wife
In the past few months, we've received several questions about why relationships are so hard.
It would be convenient to simply say that men are from Mars and women are Venus and the differences in our modes of operation and emotional needs create all of the challenges in relationships. While these gender differences do play a part in the struggle, we've found that same-sex relationships are just as challenging, even with both partners being from the same planet. Our beliefs around why relationships are so hard have more to do with a couple's ability and motivation to adapt to the many transitions that occur during the evolution of most relationships.
Read More
