How to decide whether to open the relationship?

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My partner and I fell in love because we’re both a little unconventional in how we see life and the world. When we got married, we both had full intention of maintaining traditional monogamy, but as time has gone on and our relationship has shifted, I’m starting to wonder whether something more open or alternative would be a better fit for us. We love each other and have no desire to end the relationship. But I also feel like there could be a lot more to experience and feel. We had much more joy, excitement and passion early on, and I believe we both deserve to feel some of that again. My partner has expressed being willing to discuss it, but then is reluctant when we actually do have the chance to talk. How can I make it easier for them to explore the topic, and what advice do you have for making a decision like this?

Signed, Questioning Tradition

How to save a marriage that has gone stale

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My wife and I have been married for 4 years. We met a little later in life and neither of us wanted kids. Like most couples, the first few years were great, but as time has passed, our relationship has become increasingly stale. We work, eat dinner, have the same “how was your day” conversation, watch our shows, occasionally have what I feel is routine sex, go to sleep and repeat. Even the weekends have begun to feel monotonous. We spend an afternoon together going for a hike, and maybe go out for dinner with friends and the rest of the time apart. Traveling together is still fun, but our marriage isn’t going to survive on a few trips a year. We’ve talked about getting a dog, but it seems like it would just be trying to fill the space that’s grown between us. I know I can’t go another 4 years like this, let alone the rest of my life. What can we do?

Signed, Stagnant Spouse

Can we separate but stay in the same home?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband and I have consistently struggled to resolve our marital issues and have been discussing divorce for the last six months. We’ve avoided taking any steps to initiate it in large part because of the exorbitant costs of having separate households. We have two kids in elementary school and both work full time, so the financial strain of separation would significantly impact our lives. Because we don’t have an easy way through, I’ve started to wonder if we just need to make it work. Despite the romantic disconnect and frequent bickering, we do work really well at navigating the day-to-day responsibilities. Regardless of our marriage’s future, we’ve both expressed wanting to stay in our current home and neither wants to have to move. Could it be possible to live under the same roof but have separate lives?

Signed, Housing Hamstrung

How to know when it's time to divorce

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My husband and I have been together for 16 years and have been struggling beyond what I would call a normal slump. It feels as though we’re constantly walking on eggshells with each other and only ever talk about our daughter or what needs to be done for the week. It would be easy to blame our problems on COVID and both working from home, but these issues were brewing for years before. I know we both have love for each other, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with a husband who feels like a roommate. We’ve both expressed being unhappy at various times but nothing has changed. How do we know when it’s time to move on?

Signed, Raise The White Flag?

How to talk about improving sex with your spouse or partner

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My wife and I have been married for 17 years. We have a good marriage in that we both love and respect each other, and work well as partners in parenting and daily life. We had a great sexual connection in the early years of our marriage but over time it has become lackluster. I thought as our kids got older we would find that connection again, but they’re teenagers now and nothing has changed for the better. I don’t want to leave my marriage but I also can’t imagine spending the rest of my life feeling sexually muted. I want to grow and experiment in this area but my wife is content with occasional, routine and vanilla. I’m afraid of sounding like a stereotypical hormone driven male, but the truth is this is a big deal for me. What should I do?

Signed, Bedroom Doldrums

Healthy communication requires knowing when to listen and when to offer advice

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I am really struggling with my husband who is a great guy but most of the time just doesn’t understand me. Whenever I ask to talk with him about something that’s bothering me, he jumps right in and tries to fix it without fully hearing what I have to say. While I appreciate his desire to help me, he seems to have no idea of how I’m feeling or what I’m actually going through. How can I get him to listen to me without needing to fix it every time?

Signed, Not Looking For A Handyman

Manage anger by being more open and vulnerable

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I’m finding that in the past several months, my fuse has gotten much shorter and I’ve been reacting to my wife with a higher level of anger and frustration than I ever have in the past. I’ve often felt like my wife can be a bit harsh and critical but I’ve always been able to deal with her comments before. Maybe it’s that we’re spending more time together because of COVID but I think it has more to do with a tipping point where I’ve just simply had enough. She says I need to get anger management help, which makes me feel like it’s all my fault. I think we need marriage counseling, which she refuses to do. What should I do?

Signed, Waning Wick

For great sex, make sure your partner knows what you like and want

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband and I have been together for almost six years and I still love him every bit as much as I did when we got married two years ago. The problem is that I’ve become less and less interested in sex with him as time has gone by. He’s a great guy, stable and responsible and attractive, but I sometimes fantasize about being swept away by some mysterious lover who can better fulfill my needs. I would never risk losing what we have or hurting him by leaving or having an affair but I know something has to change. Help!

Signed, Fifty Shades of Fantasy

Not sure I'm ready for kids, but feeling pressured to be.

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My wife and I are in our early 30s and everyone thinks we should be working on getting pregnant except for me. Our parents are constantly bringing up how much they want grandbabies, and starting to scare my wife about “waiting too long.” She has recently said she’s ready to start trying, but as much as I love her, I’m not sure she’s ready to be a mom. She loves her freedom of coming and going, staying out at night and sleeping in late, and hates doing housework. I’m worried if we have a kid, all the responsibility will fall on me. She says she’ll change when we get pregnant, but I’m not so sure. How do I get everyone to slow down?

Signed, Not Ready to be a Dad

She Said, He Said: A Relationship advice blog written by Married, Marriage Therapists

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