Husband's Depression Impacting Relationship

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I think my husband is depressed and don’t know how to help. He says he’s fine, yet some days he has trouble getting things going in the morning choosing to stay in his pajamas or just wear sweats and not shower or shave. Other times he is irritable and snaps at me for things that don’t seem like they should be a big deal. He’s always had a difficult relationship with his mother and his dad passed away about a year ago and I don’t think he’s ever really dealt with it. His mood is significantly affecting our marriage and I walk around on eggshells. When I’ve suggested he get help, he becomes defensive. What should I do?

Signed, On Eggshells

Balancing emotional space in relationships

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband and I have a good marriage overall. My one wish is that we would have more emotional connection. I often find myself sharing important experiences, thoughts and feelings with him and would really love for him to do the same. He has told me he thinks I’m too emotional in general, but especially when we’re arguing. My belief is that he’s not emotional enough. Is there a way to invite more emotion from him, or are we just fundamentally different in this area?

Signed, Needing Emotional Balance

Valentine’s Day Edition: Enhance intimacy and deepen connection

Dear Readers,

Ideally, Valentine’s Day inspires a little extra romance in your relationship. But for many couples, the stress of creating the ultimate date or receiving the perfect gift eclipses the focus of simply enjoying one another. Having a meaningful Valentine’s, regardless of the current state of your relationship, starts with tuning into each other and tuning out the commercial hype and Instagram comparisons. We’re not dissuading you from buying a lovely present or planning a delicious dinner, but instead are encouraging you to not let that be the end goal. Every relationship has room to repair rifts or enhance intimacy. Today is an opportune time to recognize your strengths as a couple and begin playing with new practices for growing together. Here are a few options to get you started.

Are you speaking the same ‘Love Language’ or is affection lost in translation?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I've been dating my boyfriend for 6 years. We’ve periodically talked about getting married but I’ve struggled to make the commitment. We have similar values, interests and life goals, and in general I feel like we’re a good match for life partners. My hesitation is that I just don’t feel loved the way I’d like to. I don’t need to be adored or cherished, just to feel like I’m cared about and appreciated. I often compliment him and make little compromises to try to make his life easier, and just don’t feel that back from him. I believe he cares about me, but not sure if he’s willing to love me to the degree that I’ve been loving him. Sometimes I worry that we’re together because I keep showing up and have made it easy for him to not have to. How do I know?

Boyfriend won't communicate about his feelings

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over three years and we’ve never really communicated very well. I’m more expressive with my feelings and I’m always sharing my experiences with him but he rarely lets me know how he’s feeling or if anything is bothering him. He says he doesn’t really have strong emotions and doesn't see the need to talk about them. He’s always saying, “that’s just how I am” and if I don’t like it I can find another guy who’s more in touch with his “feminine side.” I don’t want another guy but I wish he could just open up a little more and let me in. What should I do?

Signed, Wanting Deeper Connection

Manage anger by being more open and vulnerable

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I’m finding that in the past several months, my fuse has gotten much shorter and I’ve been reacting to my wife with a higher level of anger and frustration than I ever have in the past. I’ve often felt like my wife can be a bit harsh and critical but I’ve always been able to deal with her comments before. Maybe it’s that we’re spending more time together because of COVID but I think it has more to do with a tipping point where I’ve just simply had enough. She says I need to get anger management help, which makes me feel like it’s all my fault. I think we need marriage counseling, which she refuses to do. What should I do?

Signed, Waning Wick

How to move beyond conflict stalemates with your spouse

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband and I have been married for four years. For the first three years, we had normal ups and downs, but now we’ve gotten to the point where I think he needs to make some significant changes in how he shows up in the relationship and he says the same about me. The resentment has been growing on both sides and now neither one of us seems willing to budge enough to appease the other. How can we move forward without either of us having to feel like we’re just giving in?

Signed, Stuck In A Rut

How do I get my partner to open up?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

Since we've been together, my partner has become increasingly shut down. I'd really like him to be more open, and recently approached him about it. He said he's tried to share his feelings with me in the past, and I've judged him. I don't ever remember doing that, but there have been a few times where I thought he was just making excuses for not doing what he said he would do. I would never want to judge his real feelings. How can I support him in opening up again?

Signed, Feeling Shut Out

I want the relationship to work but he won’t change

Dear Lori and Jeff:

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years and I love him more than I've loved anyone else. He's smart, fun and always there for me. The problem is I'm comfortable with my emotions but he's closed off and won't really let me in. I want him realize how lucky he is to have me in his life and open up to me, but I really don't think he'll change.

Signed, Emotionally Lonely

She Said, He Said: A Relationship advice blog written by Married, Marriage Therapists

Aspen Relationship Institute

Serving as relationship experts for: