New Year’s Resolutions

Dear Readers,

Lori and Jeff: The beginning of each new year has become synonymous with setting resolutions. We‘re inspired and excited to create fresh starts, set new growth goals, and move into that next best evolution of ourselves and our lives. But our dreams of great change for the next year can be stifled before we even get through the first month. The most common hurdles to success are creating goals that are too big or lofty, not having a clearly defined objective, lacking a concrete plan and doing it alone without support and accountability. For those of you seeking to improve connection in your relationship or marriage, we’d like to give you a solid starting place that addresses some of these barriers.

CommunicationLori KretFebruary 22, 2024Aspen Relationship InstituteFunctional Love

Blindsided

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife and I have been married for six years and she recently told me she was seriously thinking about ending the relationship because I was not meeting her emotional needs. I have been trying to figure out what I did wrong as I thought our marriage was going fairly well. We definitely have our moments when we fight and don’t talk to each other for a few days but we always seem to make up and move on. I feel totally shocked by the things she’s said recently and have asked her to give me another chance. What else can I do?

Signed, Blindsided

Communication Challenges

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife and I are soon to be empty nesters and I’m worried about how our marriage will feel when the kids leave. There aren’t any major issues, but our daily communication causes concern. We do a good job of managing responsibilities together, but our interactions are often short and filled with snippy responses. It seems like we are constantly misunderstanding each other and feeling frustrated or annoyed as a result. We know we love each other. How can we start creating more ease and enjoyment when interacting?

Signed, Challenged By Communication

Learn to own your part in discord

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My marriage is deteriorating as my husband and I can’t seem to get past arguments or even minor disagreements. I’ve tried using the “I feel ___ when you ___” statements. But he still gets defensive and says since he doesn’t technically do anything “wrong” he shouldn’t have to apologize and take the blame. When I try to help him understand what he’s done, he turns it back on me, saying it was just a reaction to something I did or said. We get nowhere and eventually one of us shuts down or walks away. I want him to go to counseling to understand why he can’t apologize and learn to have more empathy for how his behavior affects me. He says he’s tired of always being labeled as the problem and that it’s not always his fault. What else can we do?

Signed, Owed An Apology

The Functional Love model for resolving communication issues

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My husband and I are having significant communication problems. From the beginning of our relationship we’ve struggled with talking about a few specific issues, but our relationship has devolved to arguing over just about everything now. We love each other and want to continue building a life together, but can’t seem to get out of this cycle. We both acknowledge being part of the problem and neither of us wants to hurt the other. We’ve tried therapy in the past and were encouraged to use communication tools including “I feel statements,” taking time outs and reflective listening, but as much as each of us wants to do better, we keep repeating the same patterns. When we’re not arguing, our connection feels strong. What are other tools we can use to communicate better and have more consistent ease in our relationship?

Signed, Communication Breakdown

How to manage guilt over being able to travel more than spouse

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife and I both live in the valley and enjoy the different energy and tempo that comes with the shoulder seasons. The only challenge is that I work in the hospitality industry and am given several weeks off in October and April but my wife’s job keeps her busy year-round and she only gets two weeks of vacation every year. When the off-season rolls around, I’m itching to get out of town and go exploring but she’s stuck here with work. She is as supportive of me taking time to myself as she can be but I feel guilty when I go off on another adventure while she feels left behind. How do I make this situation more workable?

Signed, Time On My Hands

How to stop constant arguing and learn to communicate

Dear Lori and Jeff,

From the outside, it looks like my wife and I have an ideal marriage. Our friends and family often make comments about how lucky we are to still be best friends after 9 years together. We truly love, respect and appreciate each other, but behind closed doors, we’re constantly short and irritable toward one another. When we met it was a whirlwind romance that swept us both up quickly and completely. We travelled all over the world together, abandoning the lives we were living for this amazing adventure. Now that we’re a little older, we’ve both felt the urge to slow down and settle down, but without all of the stimulation and distraction we’re just getting on each other’s nerves all the time. How do we actually have the relationship everyone thinks we have?

Signed, Is Our Adventure Over?

Pressures of conceiving can bring to light other relationship problems

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife and I were both ambivalent about kids for a long time but about a year ago we decided we’d try to have one. The last few months have been really difficult. We never imagined it would take this long to conceive. My wife has begun micromanaging my life, assuming that I’m the problem. She’s fixated on what I’m eating and drinking, and how much time I’m on my bike. I can’t stand being around her right now, I just find myself wanting to point out all the things she’s not doing perfectly. IVF is expensive and not really feasible for us so I’m ready to move on as just the two of us, but frankly I’m scared to tell her that. It’s crazy. Neither of us were adamant about being parents before, but now she’s become obsessed. This whole process is destroying our relationship. How do we get back to where we were?

Signed Missing My Marriage

Boyfriend won't communicate about his feelings

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over three years and we’ve never really communicated very well. I’m more expressive with my feelings and I’m always sharing my experiences with him but he rarely lets me know how he’s feeling or if anything is bothering him. He says he doesn’t really have strong emotions and doesn't see the need to talk about them. He’s always saying, “that’s just how I am” and if I don’t like it I can find another guy who’s more in touch with his “feminine side.” I don’t want another guy but I wish he could just open up a little more and let me in. What should I do?

Signed, Wanting Deeper Connection

Healthy communication requires knowing when to listen and when to offer advice

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I am really struggling with my husband who is a great guy but most of the time just doesn’t understand me. Whenever I ask to talk with him about something that’s bothering me, he jumps right in and tries to fix it without fully hearing what I have to say. While I appreciate his desire to help me, he seems to have no idea of how I’m feeling or what I’m actually going through. How can I get him to listen to me without needing to fix it every time?

Signed, Not Looking For A Handyman

Manage anger by being more open and vulnerable

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I’m finding that in the past several months, my fuse has gotten much shorter and I’ve been reacting to my wife with a higher level of anger and frustration than I ever have in the past. I’ve often felt like my wife can be a bit harsh and critical but I’ve always been able to deal with her comments before. Maybe it’s that we’re spending more time together because of COVID but I think it has more to do with a tipping point where I’ve just simply had enough. She says I need to get anger management help, which makes me feel like it’s all my fault. I think we need marriage counseling, which she refuses to do. What should I do?

Signed, Waning Wick

Husband's work travel creating more conflict

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband travels often for business, which in itself is not an issue. He loves his work, and I enjoy having my independence while he’s gone. Where we struggle is the adjustment period each time he comes back home. For several days we seem like oil and water before we find our groove. Once we’re back in sync our relationship is great, but these good periods are too fleeting because the next flight is always just around the corner. I’m sad that we waste so much time being short with each other. How can we reconnect more quickly to enjoy more of our time together?

Signed, Up in the Air

How to move beyond conflict stalemates with your spouse

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband and I have been married for four years. For the first three years, we had normal ups and downs, but now we’ve gotten to the point where I think he needs to make some significant changes in how he shows up in the relationship and he says the same about me. The resentment has been growing on both sides and now neither one of us seems willing to budge enough to appease the other. How can we move forward without either of us having to feel like we’re just giving in?

Signed, Stuck In A Rut

Wife keeps rehashing the past and won't let it go

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife of two years and I seem to have very different ways of dealing with conflicts in our marriage. I am able to get over things pretty quickly and move on but my wife seems to hold on and can’t let go. Even when she seems to have moved on, she inevitably brings things back up as ammunition for an argument or conflict we’re having in the present. I’ve told her many times that this kind of behavior doesn't work for me and she promises to work on it but she never does. Any ideas?

Signed, I Wish She’d Get Over It

Spouse constantly lies to me

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I often catch my wife lying about small things and it’s driving me crazy. I believe that she’s faithful, but can’t understand why she won’t be honest about why she’s often late or why she didn’t do the errands she said she would do. I know she doesn’t plan her days well, and this is a major issue in our marriage. She always tries to squeeze in time to do things for herself, but then she never admits it. The fact that she doesn’t get stuff done is frustrating enough, but lying about why she falls short is pushing me over the edge. How can I get her to tell the truth so that this marriage can last?

Signed, Truth Seeker

Wife spends too much on kids Christmas presents

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife and I have two kids. We regularly talk about parenting, and usually discuss how we’re going to handle upcoming situations, which is why I’m now completely at a loss for how to manage the current fight we’re having. My wife and I agreed in early November that we were going to buy a modest amount of useful and thoughtful presents for our kids this year. I believe the focus on the holidays should be more about family and gratitude than gifts. My wife said she agreed. I just recently learned that my wife went crazy buying clothes, toys and electronics for them. When I asked her to return some of the items, she said our children are good kids and deserve to be spoiled every now and then, and we have the money to do it. Her arguments are valid, but not to the point. I’m so frustrated with her. How do we resolve this so it doesn’t ruin Christmas?

Signed, Who’s the Grinch?

Relocated for girlfriend and feeling unappreciated

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My girlfriend of three years and I recently moved to another state because of her job. Financially it was the right decision and it was also a big step up in her career. It was a big change for both of us. Neither of us know anyone here, and we’ve had to start over completely. With her job, she’s made friends quickly, and seems not to have missed a beat. I moved because I love her, and want to be with her, but I feel like I’m the one making the sacrifices and she doesn’t get it. She stays at work late, and often goes out after with her colleagues. I’m invited, but it’s not really my scene. I’m still trying to find work, and haven’t really found my community here yet. I want her to make me a priority since I just gave up everything for her. How do I get her to understand?

Signed, Waiting Around

How to handle husband's flirting at work

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband is a professional bartender at a nice restaurant, makes a good living and, for the most part, really enjoys his job. Several weeks ago I went to pick him up at the restaurant but had to sit at the bar for a while, waiting for him to finish his shift. I noticed one of the cocktail servers being overtly flirtatious with him. She didn’t know I was his wife but she certainly knows he’s married. I don’t think my husband would stray but she’s young and very attractive and seems to be presenting him with an opportunity that leaves me a bit worried. Should I start a discussion about this with my husband or should I let it go, trusting that he’ll do the right thing?

Signed, Worried Wife

Communication problems start when partners try to be right

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife and I have been together for about three years and we still can’t seem to have a discussion about anything important without it ending up in a fight. I feel as though I speak in a calm and neutral way, but she accuses me of being stubborn and aggressive. I am simply stating my side of the issue and believe I’m open to hearing hers, but often don’t think she ever takes into account that I might be right. We’ve gotten to the point where we just don’t talk about anything of substance in fear that it will erupt into an argument. How do we get back on the same page?

Signed, Communication Breakdown

Are We Ready For Marriage?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My fiance and I are getting married in October and have been struggling over some basic relationship issues in the past few months. Things like money and household responsibilities that have been workable in the past have become sticking points between us as we get closer to tying the knot. I'm feeling more stressed and increasingly worried about going through with the marriage, but she keeps reassuring me it will be better once the wedding is over. How do I know if this is just pre-wedding jitters or a bigger problem?

Signed, Getting Cold Feet

She Said, He Said: A Relationship advice blog written by Married, Marriage Therapists

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