Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband seems to want sex all the time—or at least it seems that way because he constantly brings up that we don’t do it often enough. I think he’s overly focused on it and is unrealistic about how often married couples are actually physically intimate. He says his sex drive is normal and that all guys feel this way. I try to explain that I’m just not in the mood as often as he is but he just becomes irritable towards me. He says that men need regular sex and I should have known that when I agreed to marry him. The tension has just gotten worse over time. He’s not relenting, and I don’t want to force myself to have sex just to keep the peace. How do we get past this?

Signed, Not In The Mood

Wife wants me to do counseling on own before couples work

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife has been seeing a therapist for the past six months, working on some issues around the death of her mother and the resulting care of her father who suffers from dementia. She says she has learned a lot about herself and now realizes how unhappy she is with our marriage. She says she is willing to do couples counseling but not until I do my own counseling to resolve some of my own issues. I don’t want to lose the marriage and am willing to look at my baggage but it feels like she is setting a requirement for me that I’m not sure I know how to meet. Even if I do start my own counseling, how will she know when I’m “ready” to begin working on our marriage?

Signed, Told to Fly Solo

Struggling with partner's fading career dreams

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My boyfriend is incredibly smart and studied hospitality in college. When we met 4 years ago, his dream was to be the GM of a luxury hotel. But in the time we’ve been together, he hasn’t taken any steps towards advancing his career and is still bartending at the same restaurant. He’s been hinting at wanting to get engaged, but I’m struggling to get past his lack of career motivation. I know he’s good at his job and makes good money, and I understand that going back to school can seem overwhelming, but he sold himself as wanting to become a powerful agent in his industry. Now he just complains everyday about the long hours on his feet and the rude customers he had to serve. I’m not sure I want to commit my life to this, but I do love every other aspect of him. What should I do?

Signed, Wanting Him to Aspire

Girlfriend not making enough time for me or relationship

Dear Jeff and Lori,

I love my girlfriend, but I’m really starting to question whether she can meet my needs in our relationship. We’ve been living together for 2 years, and over the last year it seems like I’ve slowly fallen further down her priority list. I feel like I’ve been doing a good job of clearly and kindly asking for what I need, including more time together, and to be included more in decisions. But she has started to respond with frustration, saying I need too much from her. I know she’s busy with work and taking care of her parents, but she also makes time to ski and hike with friends. Since the pandemic started I’m able to work from home with a flexible schedule and think it’s a great opportunity for us to be together more. How can I help her see that the focus should be more on our relationship?

Signed, Wanting More

Don't stay in a relationship just because of the pandemic

Dear Lori and Jeff,

Over the past few months, my girlfriend and I have been realizing that maybe our relationship is nearing its end. We’ve been together for two years and still really care about each other, but neither of us has been really happy since the summer. We’ve both threatened to leave during arguments, but the truth is that going through a breakup and being single during a pandemic doesn’t sound great either. Do you think it’s wrong to stay together until the world gets back to some semblance of normal?

Signed, Waiting It Out

What to do when mom doesn't approve of girlfriend

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for about two years and I think I’m ready to make a deeper commitment. We enjoy our time together, have a lot in common and have a good balance with time spent apart with our careers and individual interests. The only problem is that my mother can’t seem to accept her and approve of our relationship. She says things like, “Are you sure you’re ready to settle down?” and “Do you really think she’s the one?” but I suspect it’s more about the fact that she thinks my girlfriend isn’t good enough for me. She has recently started making subtle comments in front of my girlfriend. I feel really awkward when this happens so I try to just brush it off, but my girlfriend has gotten upset with me for not standing up for her. She says I need to resolve this issue before we move forward with our relationship. I feel stuck between the two most important women in my life. What can I do?

Signed, Rock And A Hard Place

Healthy communication requires knowing when to listen and when to offer advice

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I am really struggling with my husband who is a great guy but most of the time just doesn’t understand me. Whenever I ask to talk with him about something that’s bothering me, he jumps right in and tries to fix it without fully hearing what I have to say. While I appreciate his desire to help me, he seems to have no idea of how I’m feeling or what I’m actually going through. How can I get him to listen to me without needing to fix it every time?

Signed, Not Looking For A Handyman

How to know if a relationship is moving too fast

Dear Jeff and Lori,

I'm struggling with letting my guard down in my current relationship. We were both recently separated from our spouses when we met, and he moved in with me very quickly during the first COVID lockdown. Both of our marriages were unhealthy, and I moved quickly to file for divorce. My partner, however, has a son who has been very open about his disapproval of his dad’s choice to leave the marriage. My partner says he is fully committed to me and has proposed, but is afraid that filing for divorce now will sever his relationship with his son. I also know that he’s in regular contact with his wife, and that she still wants to make the marriage work. I feel so insecure right now and keep asking him to finalize his divorce. Am I wrong to feel this way?

Signed, Insecurely In Love

How to deal with In-laws political views

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My wife has a very close relationship with her mother. Her father passed away several years ago, and her mother moved closer to us to be near us and our children. She has been a significant help in taking care of our kids, which has allowed my wife and I to keep our full time careers. However, my relationship with her has eroded due to our opposing political views. I cannot understand how she can maintain certain beliefs as they seem so narrow-minded. She has expressed feeling the same way about me. My wife is not very interested in politics, but is feeling angry for being put in the middle of this conflict. I feel stuck. My kids love their grandmother and we need her help, but I’m struggling to respect her as a person.

Signed, Stuck Son-In-Law

How do I know if she is the one?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My girlfriend of 3 years is dropping some not-so-subtle hints that she’s ready to get engaged. She’s great and I love her, but I’m not ready to make that commitment to her yet. I’m not totally sure why. I’m in my mid 30’s and it’s not that I don’t want to settle down, in reality I feel like I’ve already done that with her in this relationship. I’m just not sure how I’m supposed to know if she’s the one I’m meant to be with for the rest of my life. I’m attracted to her, and we have a lot in common, but not everything. I feel like I should just know if she’s the one, and I don’t. What do I do?

Signed, Is She The One?

Age gap in dating: what's too old?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I’m 36 and think I’ve finally met the man of my dreams. He’s handsome, kind, funny, sensitive, has a great career and knows what he wants in life. The only problem is that he just turned 50 and I’m worried that our age difference is going to be an issue further down the road.

Signed, The Younger Woman

Avoiding dating because afraid of making the same mistakes

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I quickly fell in love with my college sweetheart and we married right after we graduated. The marriage slowly deteriorated and we hung on for much longer than we should have. We finally ended things and I’m now a year out from the divorce. I feel like I’m ready to meet someone and have been dating for the last few months, but I’m so overwhelmed. I’m afraid if I connect with anyone I’ll fall too fast and make the same mistake again. So after a few dates I’m finding myself pulling away or coming up with excuses to cut it off. I really do want a relationship, but won’t let myself get attached. Please help.

Signed, Once Bitten

Manage anger by being more open and vulnerable

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I’m finding that in the past several months, my fuse has gotten much shorter and I’ve been reacting to my wife with a higher level of anger and frustration than I ever have in the past. I’ve often felt like my wife can be a bit harsh and critical but I’ve always been able to deal with her comments before. Maybe it’s that we’re spending more time together because of COVID but I think it has more to do with a tipping point where I’ve just simply had enough. She says I need to get anger management help, which makes me feel like it’s all my fault. I think we need marriage counseling, which she refuses to do. What should I do?

Signed, Waning Wick

My recent ex is now sleeping with my frenemy

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My ex and I were together for two years. We ended it three weeks ago on good terms, both of us acknowledging that we weren’t ready for the next step toward marriage. We decided to try to maintain a friendship because we share a social circle, and we genuinely still like each other as people. But now I’m struggling because I learned that a week after we broke up he started sleeping with someone I know. She’s part of our group of friends but truthfully I’ve never really liked her. She tends to take little digs at me but plays it off as just joking. I can’t believe that of all people, my ex has to be with her, and so soon after we broke up. I know I can’t make him stop, so can you please help me figure out how to deal with being around them.

Signed, Mean Girl Got My Guy

Nuptials on pause for pandemic? Take the time to ask hard questions

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My fiancé and I had decided to get married this summer but because of the pandemic, we’ve been forced to postpone the wedding. The process of rescheduling has been frustrating but manageable. However, now with the delay, my fiancé has gotten cold feet. He said maybe this was a sign that we weren’t “supposed” to get married. It seems like he’s just looking for a way out. What should I do?

Signed, COVID’s Ruining My Wedding

Husband's work travel creating more conflict

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband travels often for business, which in itself is not an issue. He loves his work, and I enjoy having my independence while he’s gone. Where we struggle is the adjustment period each time he comes back home. For several days we seem like oil and water before we find our groove. Once we’re back in sync our relationship is great, but these good periods are too fleeting because the next flight is always just around the corner. I’m sad that we waste so much time being short with each other. How can we reconnect more quickly to enjoy more of our time together?

Signed, Up in the Air

How to move beyond conflict stalemates with your spouse

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband and I have been married for four years. For the first three years, we had normal ups and downs, but now we’ve gotten to the point where I think he needs to make some significant changes in how he shows up in the relationship and he says the same about me. The resentment has been growing on both sides and now neither one of us seems willing to budge enough to appease the other. How can we move forward without either of us having to feel like we’re just giving in?

Signed, Stuck In A Rut

She Said, He Said: A Relationship advice blog written by Married, Marriage Therapists

Aspen Relationship Institute

Serving as relationship experts for: