Financially dependent boyfriend wants to move in

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My boyfriend and I have been together for seven months and recently he’s been advocating to move in with me. We have a lot in common and I appreciate that he helps me have fun. He’s also incredibly loyal and tells me all of the time how much he loves me. However, I’ve spent my 20s and early 30s building a successful career and becoming financially independent. He’s still “enjoying” life and has been slower to figure out what he wants to do. As a result, I foot the bill for most of our dates and vacations. I wouldn’t mind if he was in school or actively working toward a career, but he spends a lot of time on the couch. I don’t want to become his bank account. However, he insists that if we live together, he’ll be more motivated and I wonder if this is the opportunity he needs to get his life on track.

Signed, Cohabitation Hesitation

How to know if a relationship is moving too fast

Dear Jeff and Lori,

I'm struggling with letting my guard down in my current relationship. We were both recently separated from our spouses when we met, and he moved in with me very quickly during the first COVID lockdown. Both of our marriages were unhealthy, and I moved quickly to file for divorce. My partner, however, has a son who has been very open about his disapproval of his dad’s choice to leave the marriage. My partner says he is fully committed to me and has proposed, but is afraid that filing for divorce now will sever his relationship with his son. I also know that he’s in regular contact with his wife, and that she still wants to make the marriage work. I feel so insecure right now and keep asking him to finalize his divorce. Am I wrong to feel this way?

Signed, Insecurely In Love

I Stay Because I'm Afraid Of Being Alone

Dear Jeff and Lori,

I'm a middle-aged woman with two adult children. I've been unhappy in my marriage for many years. I told myself I would stay in it for the sake of our kids, but they're grown now. My husband works hard to provide, but he's very disconnected. Over the years, he has become increasingly more absent, and when I try to talk to him about it, he turns it around on me saying I want too much, and he is who he is. My friends are tired of my complaining and say I should move on. But I'm afraid of being lonely, of failing to provide for myself, and of not ever finding someone else. How do I get past the fear and do what I know is really best for me?

Signed, Afraid of Going Solo

Are you an ‘anxious attacher’ in your relationship? Here's how you can tell.

Dear Lori and Jeff,

About a year ago, I was set up with the perfect guy—he was attractive, successful and kind. We immediately had a strong connection. Then, after a few passionate months, I started worrying the spark was fading. He said he was falling for me, and couldn’t understand where I was coming from when I told him my concerns. I kept trying to find ways to bring the energy back, but he said it felt like I was trying to pick fights with him. I was wanting reassurance that he cared as much as I did, but instead he broke up with me. My friends say I have a pattern of sabotaging relationships with great guys. I think they may be right. What am I doing wrong?

Signed, Single and Confused.

Do I Need A More Independent Partner?

Dear Jeff and Lori

I love my girlfriend and thought I might want to marry her. We’ve been together for 2 years, and she moved in 6 months ago. I feel like we’re always together. I used to love spending time with her, but lately I’ve been getting annoyed that’s she’s always around. We have a small apartment, so it’s hard to have time alone. I love her, but am starting to wonder if I need to be with someone who’s more independent.

Signed, Wanting Space

She Said, He Said: A Relationship advice blog written by Married, Marriage Therapists

Aspen Relationship Institute

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