Dear Readers,
For many couples, Valentine’s Day is a fleeting moment marked with a nice dinner or a pretty present. This year we encourage you to embrace the day as an opportunity for a relationship restart. Coming off the whirlwind of holidays and the beginning of the new year, many couples find themselves in the fog of February. Instead of going through the motions of trying to artificially create romance, commit to truly nurturing your bond.
Read MoreDear Lori and Jeff,
My husband and I have been together for almost twenty years, have two beautiful children and, for the most part, are happily married. The one issue to which we can’t seem to find any resolution is birth control. Throughout our relationship, I’ve been the one who has held the responsibility for protection, through several different methods. But now that we are very certain that we don’t want more kids and I’m more than ready to no longer be manipulating my body, so I’ve asked him to get a vasectomy. He pushes back saying it’s too permanent and it will make him feel like less of a man. How do I get him to finally be the one to take responsibility for this aspect of our relationship?
Signed, Off The Pill
Read MoreDear Jeff and Lori,
I love my wife but the space between us has been growing slowly for several years. We’re great partners in life, have made it through many ups and downs and launched two great kids into the world. But we both acknowledge that intimacy has become nearly non-existent. We’re at a loss as to what to do, especially as we deal with the physical ramifications of getting older. We plan date nights and I feel hopeful. But when we get home, we slip into the same pattern of putting on pajamas and reading or watching TV. We’ve even tried scheduling times for sex, but another priority or excuse will get in the way. It has become an awkward elephant that I think we’ve just learned to avoid, but I don’t want to accept that sex is no longer going to be part of our lives. How can we get out of this rut?
Signed, Out of Gas
Read MoreDear Jeff and Lori,
My partner and I fell in love because we’re both a little unconventional in how we see life and the world. When we got married, we both had full intention of maintaining traditional monogamy, but as time has gone on and our relationship has shifted, I’m starting to wonder whether something more open or alternative would be a better fit for us. We love each other and have no desire to end the relationship. But I also feel like there could be a lot more to experience and feel. We had much more joy, excitement and passion early on, and I believe we both deserve to feel some of that again. My partner has expressed being willing to discuss it, but then is reluctant when we actually do have the chance to talk. How can I make it easier for them to explore the topic, and what advice do you have for making a decision like this?
Signed, Questioning Tradition
Read MoreDear Jeff and Lori,
My wife and I have been married for 17 years. We have a good marriage in that we both love and respect each other, and work well as partners in parenting and daily life. We had a great sexual connection in the early years of our marriage but over time it has become lackluster. I thought as our kids got older we would find that connection again, but they’re teenagers now and nothing has changed for the better. I don’t want to leave my marriage but I also can’t imagine spending the rest of my life feeling sexually muted. I want to grow and experiment in this area but my wife is content with occasional, routine and vanilla. I’m afraid of sounding like a stereotypical hormone driven male, but the truth is this is a big deal for me. What should I do?
Signed, Bedroom Doldrums
Read MoreDear Lori and Jeff,
My husband seems to want sex all the time—or at least it seems that way because he constantly brings up that we don’t do it often enough. I think he’s overly focused on it and is unrealistic about how often married couples are actually physically intimate. He says his sex drive is normal and that all guys feel this way. I try to explain that I’m just not in the mood as often as he is but he just becomes irritable towards me. He says that men need regular sex and I should have known that when I agreed to marry him. The tension has just gotten worse over time. He’s not relenting, and I don’t want to force myself to have sex just to keep the peace. How do we get past this?
Signed, Not In The Mood
Read MoreDear Lori and Jeff,
A few months ago when my wife and I were unpacking from a move, I came across an old notebook that contained the names of 50 or 60 men. When I asked my wife about it she said it was just a group of college research project participants, but she was so nervous in answering that I knew she wasn’t being honest. When I pressed the issue, she admitted that it was a list of men she had slept with before meeting me. When we were getting serious in our relationship, we went through the usual disclosure of our sexual pasts and she had made it sound like she had only been with around 15 other guys, which is more in line with my history. I don’t want to hold the past against her, but I’m struggling with the fact that she lied to me about such an important topic. I feel like I was robbed of the chance to decide for myself whether or not her dating history was a deal-breaker. Our marriage is mostly good and we have a three-year old child so I don’t want to blow things up, but I’m left feeling betrayed and stuck. What should I do?
Signed, Haunted by Her History
Read MoreDear Lori and Jeff,
My wife and I have been together for four years and going into the relationship, I was aware of her bisexual past. When she committed to a life with me, she said that she was both emotionally and physically fulfilled by our connection and ready to fully commit to me. In the past few months, she has hinted at the idea of bringing a good female friend of hers into our relationship, not just for sex, but for a long-term polyamorous experience. This is uncharted territory for me and I was hoping you could guide me through the process of making a decision on whether I’m ready for something like this.
Sincerely, Trio Tentative
Read MoreDear Lori and Jeff,
I’ve been single through most of COVID and am feeling ready to get back into the dating game this summer. As more people are getting vaccinated, the dating scene seems like it’s cueing up to be a feeding frenzy. My friends are talking about using the hookup-rinse-repeat cycle as often as they can fit into their schedules. That’s just never been me. I’m anxious that the people I meet will have expectations for casual encounters. My best friend said I should loosen up and just have fun for a few months. It’s hard enough that I’ve been out of the scene for so long, but this is just making me feel even more overwhelmed. How do I navigate dating in this scene and still stay true to myself.
Signed, Scared to Jump In
Read MoreDear Lori and Jeff,
My wife is a beautiful, amazing, multifaceted woman. We’ve been together 8 years and throughout our relationship she would play hard and get dirty just as often as she would put on a dress. Since COVID hit, I’ve really only seen her in sweats. I completely understand why—there hasn’t been much reason to dress up, and with all the stress it’s nice to just be comfortable. We still have fun together, but I miss relating with my feminine, sexy wife. I’m not expecting make-up and heels, but is there a way I can encourage her to wear something other than her daytime pajamas once in a while?
Signed, Sick of Sweats
Read MoreDear Lori and Jeff,
My husband and I have been together for almost six years and I still love him every bit as much as I did when we got married two years ago. The problem is that I’ve become less and less interested in sex with him as time has gone by. He’s a great guy, stable and responsible and attractive, but I sometimes fantasize about being swept away by some mysterious lover who can better fulfill my needs. I would never risk losing what we have or hurting him by leaving or having an affair but I know something has to change. Help!
Signed, Fifty Shades of Fantasy
Read MoreDear Lori and Jeff,
My boyfriend and I have been together for about three years and although we don’t really have any specific problems with our relationship, we do seem to be diverging on what we want in the bedroom. We started out like most new couples, always wanting to be together and having trouble keeping our hands off each other. As time went on, I was hoping to have a deeper, more emotional sexual connection, but he seems to want the opposite—a much more rowdy and physical act. I’m not saying I don’t occasionally enjoy that, but I’d also like our intimacy to include a bit more feeling and tenderness. Is that too much to ask for?
Signed, Wanting More
Read MoreDear Lori and Jeff,
My wife and I still have great sex but it’s way less frequent than it was when first met a few years ago. My wife says she wants me to initiate more but I really don’t like feeling rejected when she isn’t in the mood. I try to look for signs from her that show she’s interested as it gets later in the evening. I listen for subtle things she might say, like if she’s tired or stressed. I check out what she’s wearing to bed and whether or not she’s put in her retainer. I know this isn’t a foolproof strategy but I’m at a loss of what else to do.
Signed, Looking For Signs
Read MoreDear Lori and Jeff,
My husband is a really amazing, kind, caring, and respectful man. He’s always been a little shy in the bedroom, and reluctant to initiate out of concern that I might not be interested. I’ve told him before, many times, that it turns me on when he makes a strong move, but I still am the one who has to get things going most of the time. He often compliments me and tells me how attractive I am to him, but I do miss the feeling of being wanted in that primal, lustful way. How can I empower him to be more assertive?
Signed, Wanting Him To Want Me
Read MoreDear Lori and Jeff,
My girlfriend and I have been together for about three years and we’re in a rut. I still think she’s very attractive and she says the same about me. The problem is that our sex life has become too routine. We seem to just be going through the motions in a predictable sequence. We’re not looking for new ways to do it but it seems like we’ve done everything we want to do.
Sincerely, In A Rut
Read MoreDear Jeff and Lori,
I’ve been dating a woman for a few months. We met at work and had just been friends for a while before we started dating. I wasn’t that attracted to her physically, but she continued to push for more. As time went on, I began to enjoy her company, and it evolved into a relationship. I’m struggling because at this point, I still don’t feel a real spark, and I find myself attracted to other women. I don’t want to hurt her, but am certain there’s not a long-term future for us. Should I just tell her I’m not ready for a serious relationship?
Signed, Looking for the Right Words
Read MoreDear Lori and Jeff,
My girlfriend and I have been together for about two years and most things seem to be going well except that I can’t really tell if she still enjoys having sex with me. I’ve tried to ask her if there are any problems or things she would like me to do differently and she sort of shrugs off my questions by saying that everything’s good. I’m worried she’s resigned herself to the fact that it’s just good enough. My biggest concern is that she may be faking her enjoyment of sex with me. Is this something women do?
Signed, Questioning What’s Real
Read MoreDear Lori and Jeff,
When I started dating my wife I couldn’t keep my hands off her. She was the most attractive woman I’d ever been with and she still looks amazing to me even after six years of marriage and two kids. The problem is that I’m losing interest in having sex with her. I still have strong desires but just not for her. I’m worried that I’ll pursue another woman and screw the whole thing up. What’s wrong with me?
Signed, On the Edge
Read MoreDear Lori and Jeff,
My girlfriend and I have been together for four years and the frequent and passionate sex we used to have at the beginning of our relationship has become more routine and happens much less often. I still really enjoy being intimate with her but I often wonder if I’m able to satisfy her in the way she satisfies me. Bottom line is I wonder if she still really enjoys it. Any suggestions?
Signed, Baffled in Bed
Read MoreDear Lori and Jeff,
I recently discovered that my husband has been spending a lot of time viewing online porn. I've looked through some of the sites he's been on, but because some have different levels of interaction, I can't tell exactly what he's been up to. I've asked him what he's been doing and why, but he shuts down. There are some things I'm willing to accept, but I don't know where the line gets crossed into cheating. I'm worried because I thought our sex life was pretty good, but neither of us have had much time or energy to connect lately. I want to understand what's going on with him, and where it's reasonable for me to draw the line?
Signed, Where's My Line?
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