Needing Space

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My partner and I are both in our 50’s and divorced. Six months ago she was unable to renew her lease and moved in with me. Since this change, I’ve begun feeling more claustrophobic and more easily irritated with her. She works from home and is always around. I used to look forward to seeing her, but now I’m excited every time she runs errands and I get a few moments to myself. I love her, but am starting to wonder if I need a partner who is more independent or has more going on in their own life.

Sincerely, Feeling Cramped

Wife cares too much about everyone else

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My wife is one of the most caring and compassionate people I have ever known and I love her for it. However, sometimes I feel that the level to which she cares for others is unhealthy. We have a long-time mutual friend who has been going through some challenges and my wife has lost all perspective on what is appropriate. She goes to her house multiple times a week and talks to her every night, then complains that she doesn’t have any time for herself. I feel like she’s neglecting our marriage. I keep asking her to set boundaries with this woman, but she won’t. How can I help her see what’s happening?

Signed, Feeling Forgotten

I'm married but attracted to my coworker

Dear Jeff and Lori,

I’ve been with my wife for fourteen years and married for nine. I love her and truly believe our marriage is good. I’m still very attracted to her, we are great at co-parenting and still really enjoy each other’s company. My struggle is that I’ve recently found myself very attracted to a coworker. There is a chemistry and spark with her that is invigorating. She’s smart, witty and playful and I look forward to being around her. I haven’t and won’t pursue anything outside of the office with her and I’m clear that I won’t cheat on my wife. What I want to know is whether this is normal for a married man to feel this way about someone else?

Signed, Attracted To Someone Else

Wife is unsupportive of my new healthy lifestyle

Dear Jeff and Lori:

My wife doesn’t want me to be healthy. When we met 12 years ago, we loved spending our free time having happy hour beers or grabbing burgers with friends. When we moved to the valley a few years ago, it was a shock to see how active the community is. For me, it was a welcome change. I wasn’t feeling great in my body with the extra weight I was carrying, and drinking in my 40’s was wearing on me much more than it had in my 20’s. I jumped in pretty quickly to biking and hiking and learned how to ski. I’ve invited my wife every step of the way, but instead of joining me, she just complains that I’ve changed and don’t want to spend time with her. I also think she tries to sabotage me by constantly offering me junk food when I’ve asked her a hundred times not too. When I try to tell her how great I feel after losing the weight and getting fit, she tells me I’m shaming her for being overweight. I don’t want to have to choose between taking care of myself and my marriage. What should I do?

Signed, Fighting For Fitness

I want to make healthy changes, but my spouse isn't supportive

Dear Jeff and Lori,

I want to use the new year as a fresh start to begin living a healthier lifestyle. My husband and I met in our 20’s and we both prioritized going out and having a good time. We’re in our 30’s now and drinking several nights a week just doesn’t have the same appeal for me. I don’t like how tired I am all the time and want to feel better in and about my body. It’s always been hard for me to motivate myself to make positive changes and I’ve only ever been successful with someone else doing it with me. My husband says he likes our lives as they are and has no intention of doing anything differently. He’s even gone as far as even giving me a hard time about not wanting to go out so much. Please help.

Signed, New Year, Less Beer

Boyfriend wants me to set boundaries with my ex's family

Dear Lori and Jeff,

When I was in high school, I was much closer to my boyfriend’s parents than I was to my own. Even after we broke up, I maintained a close relationship with them and still visit them whenever I’m back in my hometown. They helped me buy my first car and sometimes sent me money up until I was able to support myself. They are still a part of my life and send birthday and holiday gifts to my kids. My husband has never been comfortable with my relationship with my ex’s parents, and now that my ex is single again, my husband is asking me to set some stronger boundaries with them. I know their feelings will be hurt if I do so and truthfully, I don’t really want to. They have been the only real family I’ve had in my life. How do I navigate this?

Signed, Don’t Want To Choose

Should we try an open marriage?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife and I have been together for four years and going into the relationship, I was aware of her bisexual past. When she committed to a life with me, she said that she was both emotionally and physically fulfilled by our connection and ready to fully commit to me. In the past few months, she has hinted at the idea of bringing a good female friend of hers into our relationship, not just for sex, but for a long-term polyamorous experience. This is uncharted territory for me and I was hoping you could guide me through the process of making a decision on whether I’m ready for something like this.

Sincerely, Trio Tentative

Torn between trip with friends and anniversary with wife

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I’ve been invited to go on a guy’s bike trip this spring but it’s the same time as my anniversary when my wife had planned a weekend getaway. I was trying to figure out a way to overlap the two events by having my wife meet me right after the bike trip but I would also have to leave the bike trip a day early, which means they would have to change the route a bit to get me back in time. I know it looks like I’m tweaking things so that I can do it all, but I’m really just trying to make everyone happy. My wife says I’m trying to manipulate the situation and everyone involved so I can get what I want. What’s your take?

Signed, Am I Being Selfish?

How to parent adult children who moved back home

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife and I had been enjoying the first year without our kids in the house, as they are both in college out of state. Because of the virus, they’ve both been sent home and now we have a full house once again. Don’t get me wrong, I love spending more time with my kids, but they’ve gotten used to a more “unsupervised” lifestyle at college so my wife and I feel more like residence hall assistants than parents. We’ve also lost our privacy, which our kids don’t understand. My wife seems to be more accepting of the situation and I feel like I’m the odd man out. How do we stand firm together without creating an unmanageable situation?

Signed, Empty Nester No More

Surviving Time In Quarantine Together

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My husband and I truly do love and respect each other, but I worry about being isolated together for weeks on end. We’re both very independent and invested in our careers, but as of now our work is fairly limited and we have an abundance of time on our hands together. The first week went well, treating it as a mini vacation to relax together, but already I can tell we’re starting to grate on one another. Can you give us some tips for how our relationship can stay strong through this?

Signed, Qualms in Quarantine

Is conflict with fiancé's kids a dealbreaker?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I’ve recently gotten engaged to the love of my life and can’t wait to officially begin a new life with him. There is one issue that’s giving me cold feet—the two boys from his previous marriage. I’ve tried so hard to have them accept me, not as a replacement for their mother, but as someone who’s important to their dad. No matter what I do, they are rude and sarcastic to me and make me feel like I have no business being part of their family. I am kind, supportive, forgiving and understanding but I get none of that in return. My fiancée understands what I’m going through but is reluctant to step in and defend me when it’s obvious they’ve crossed the line. Is this a big enough reason to put off the wedding or should I keep trying to integrate into their lives?

Signed, Cold Feet

Relocated for girlfriend and feeling unappreciated

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My girlfriend of three years and I recently moved to another state because of her job. Financially it was the right decision and it was also a big step up in her career. It was a big change for both of us. Neither of us know anyone here, and we’ve had to start over completely. With her job, she’s made friends quickly, and seems not to have missed a beat. I moved because I love her, and want to be with her, but I feel like I’m the one making the sacrifices and she doesn’t get it. She stays at work late, and often goes out after with her colleagues. I’m invited, but it’s not really my scene. I’m still trying to find work, and haven’t really found my community here yet. I want her to make me a priority since I just gave up everything for her. How do I get her to understand?

Signed, Waiting Around

Not sure I'm ready for kids, but feeling pressured to be.

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My wife and I are in our early 30s and everyone thinks we should be working on getting pregnant except for me. Our parents are constantly bringing up how much they want grandbabies, and starting to scare my wife about “waiting too long.” She has recently said she’s ready to start trying, but as much as I love her, I’m not sure she’s ready to be a mom. She loves her freedom of coming and going, staying out at night and sleeping in late, and hates doing housework. I’m worried if we have a kid, all the responsibility will fall on me. She says she’ll change when we get pregnant, but I’m not so sure. How do I get everyone to slow down?

Signed, Not Ready to be a Dad

Working through working with your spouse

Dear Lori and Jeff

When my husband and I met, I was early in the process of starting my own small business. Recently it had grown to a point where I needed more help, and we decided it would be a good time for him to leave his job and work with me. Our business skill sets and strengths compliment each other well. But working together has been much harder than we ever anticipated. My husband is really smart, but it feels like he forgets that I’m the one that built the business from the ground up. We’ve both become more stubborn and critical of one another, and the tension has started to spill into our marriage. Can partners to be in business together and keep a healthy relationship?

Signed, Coworker Conundrum

Athletic pursuits create relationship rift

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My husband and I used to play together outdoors year-round. It was a big part of what initially brought us together. We moved to Aspen a few years ago, and he became much more athletically competitive. I’m really proud of him and love cheering him on, but his need to keep getting stronger and faster has also resulted in me feeling left behind. Hiking, biking, and now skiing has become a battle just to keep up. He keeps pushing me because he doesn’t want to slow down and wait for me. I’ve told him it’s not fun for me to always have to go that hard, but he’s always training for something and not willing to miss the workout. I’m worried if we stay on this path that we’ll keep drifting apart.

Signed, Left Behind in the Bowl

What To Do When Husband Still Talks To His Ex

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My husband continues to see an old girlfriend from time to time. I’ve told him it bothers me, but he says it’s my insecurities and I have nothing to worry about. I don’t understand why he keeps in contact with her. He thinks I’m being unreasonable. Who’s right?

Signed, Frustrated Wife

She Said, He Said: A Relationship advice blog written by Married, Marriage Therapists

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