Needing Space
Dear Lori and Jeff,
My partner and I are both in our 50’s and divorced. Six months ago she was unable to renew her lease and moved in with me. Since this change, I’ve begun feeling more claustrophobic and more easily irritated with her. She works from home and is always around. I used to look forward to seeing her, but now I’m excited every time she runs errands and I get a few moments to myself. I love her, but am starting to wonder if I need a partner who is more independent or has more going on in their own life.
Sincerely, Feeling Cramped
Dear FC,
Lori and Jeff: Moving in together is a monumental step in a relationship. As the housing market has become increasingly more difficult to navigate, many couples are making this choice from a place of financial necessity or convenience and missing the opportunity to have thoughtful conversations about needs, expectations and visions for cohabitating.
The honeymoon phase of a relationship typically lasts 6 months to two years. During this time, partners experience a compelling desire to connect, and many aspects of their lives tend to meld together. Friendships, hobbies, interests, and even music and food preferences are compromised. In simpler terms, as love grows, other parts of life start to shrink. When a couple begins to transition from the honeymoon period to a more authentic bond, partners can begin to feel an itch to reclaim parts of themselves that have been pushed to the backburner. This subtle internal discomfort can easily be projected onto partners. Meaning they are inaccurately blamed as the source of one’s internal frustration or irritation.
Lori: It’s normal and natural to feel the desire for more space. The solution, however, likely lies in you as much as your partner. For a relationship to remain rewarding, both partners need to work towards an equilibrium of interdependence. Interdependence in the relationship state in which there is equal availability and investment in connecting in the relationship as there is in independence. You may already be a more independently leaning individual, and your partner may inherently be more of a connector. The work at this phase of your relationship is finding a rhythm in which you challenge yourself to lean into her in meaningful and fulfilling ways, while learning to set healthy boundaries to advocate for your personal space and needs. The true power and reward of committed, intimate relationships lies in their ability to foster growth. Yes, you could look for someone more independent, but doing so would come at a cost. You’d miss the opportunity to develop skills and confidence in communicating your needs. Additionally, a relationship with another independent individual would likely lack the emotional intimacy and connection that your current partner fosters.
A relationship is not a source of vitality, but the expression of combining both partners’ vibrancy. It often takes time for individuals to create balance between the life they co-created and their own separate identities. Starting a conversation of curiosity with your partner can be a powerful catalyst. Explore what has changed about each of you since the day you met. What are the interests, passions, friendships, and facets of each of you that are important to bring back into your individual lives? And what would you need for support from each other to become more authentically integrated as individuals.
Jeff: I would be curious about your history with emotional intimacy. Could this be a reaction to your partner getting too close (and maybe too quickly)? If the decision to live together came with less intentional planning and was more of a convenience or necessity, then there could be some fear and discomfort in getting entangled in a seemingly irreversible situation. As a result, you may be wanting to push her away and question the fundamentals of your relationship, thinking you might be better off with someone more independent. Does “more independent” mean less emotionally demanding?
Reflect on your previous relationships. Were there similar elements of feeling pressure to give up parts of your identity and freedom in order to meet the emotional needs of your partners? It will be important for you to explore your stories around what it means for you to emotionally commit to another person. Do you feel an expectation to surrender your individuality? Is there any room to lean in while still maintaining a sense of autonomy? It’s also perfectly valid to express to your partner that just because you’ve moved in together, you may not automatically be ready to take things to the next level emotionally—especially if the move was more logistical than an actual part of the relationship plan. If you feel the need for more space, it will be important to learn how to ask for it without causing your partner to feel as though you are withdrawing or withholding.
Lori & Jeff: Friction is not cause to reconsider a relationship. On the contrary, it provides an opportunity to evolve in your individual and relational self. Be clear on what specifically you need to feel more balanced and give your partner an opportunity to grow with you.