Can a donkey love an elephant? Managing opposing political view in marriage

Dear Lori and Jeff,

We need some advice and tools for learning how to coexist peacefully with diverging political views. We've been married for 27 years, and love each other very much. When we met neither of us was politically inclined, though one of us leaned more conservative and the other more liberal. Over the past few years we've both been paying more attention to what's going on nationally, and our opinions have grown stronger in opposing directions. Sometimes it feels like we don't even know who the other is. How do we keep our marriage strong when it seems our values have become so different?

Signed, Red and Blue

Where's the line between porn and cheating?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I recently discovered that my husband has been spending a lot of time viewing online porn. I've looked through some of the sites he's been on, but because some have different levels of interaction, I can't tell exactly what he's been up to. I've asked him what he's been doing and why, but he shuts down. There are some things I'm willing to accept, but I don't know where the line gets crossed into cheating. I'm worried because I thought our sex life was pretty good, but neither of us have had much time or energy to connect lately. I want to understand what's going on with him, and where it's reasonable for me to draw the line?

Signed, Where's My Line?

My wife retired and now I don't see her

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My wife retired three months ago. She had a fulfilling career, but felt it had run its course and was ready to begin enjoying life more. Financially, we're in good shape, but I can't stop working for a few more years. I've noticed myself becoming more frustrated and irritated with my wife recently. It seems like all she does is hang out with friends, play tennis and shop, and she doesn't even seem all that happy. I thought after she retired she would want to spend more time with me, and would take up more responsibilities around the house. Now, I'm supporting both of us and she's not really showing up in the marriage. Am I expecting too much?

Signed, Missing My Wife

Cheater at heart, or just getting it out of his system?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

One of my closest friends is getting married, and I'm fairly certain her fiance is cheating on her. We live in a small town, and there have been multiple rumors of him sleeping with other women. There's even talk that he's trying to get what he can before he ties the knot. I've confronted him, and he denies it. I don't believe him. I've tried bringing it up to my friend in both gentle and direct ways, but she is so in love with him that she won't listen. I'm worried she's making a huge mistake by marrying this guy. What else can I do? Is it really possible that if he is cheating now, he'll become faithful when they marry?

Signed, Suspicious Friend

Struggling to be a husband and pro athlete

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I am a professional athlete somewhere in the middle of the life of my career. I've hit a bit of plateau and think that some of the struggle to raise my game has to do with my marriage. When my wife and I met, I tried to make it clear that my career as an athlete was extremely demanding of my time, energy and attention. She seemed to understand and jumped in with both feet in a support role, as my salary was just enough so that she didn't have to work full-time. For the first few years everything seemed to go well. But now we have two kids and I don't feel the same kind of support from my wife as I once did. I even sense some resentment coming from her when I'm away for longer periods of time at training camps and events. How do I keep both my marriage and career a success?

Signed, Not in the Zone

Avoid the "Backslide": How to move on from an ex

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My boyfriend broke up with me a few months ago after a two-year relationship. We seem to run into each other fairly often as we share the same core group of friends. The problem is that on several occasions, we've ended up going home together, only to regret the decision in the morning. We've both promised not to let it happen again, but it does. How do we stop this cycle and move on?

Signed, Backslider

Should I be concerned about his marijuana use?

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My husband and I met in college and have been together for 13 years. When we started dating we were both proud dirtbaggers, spending as much time as possible climbing and biking, and smoking our share of pot. Over the last half of our relationship, I've mostly left it behind, and really love the life we're building together. We still get outside at every opportunity, I have a great job, we have a nice home, and I'm ready to have kids. I'm worried because my husband still smokes pot almost everyday. He also has a good job, and says smoking is how he likes to unwind. He tells me he's not addicted, but also won't go more than a day or two without it, even though I've asked him to. I've noticed since I've cut back, how checked out he really is when he's high, and worry what it will be like when we have kids if he keeps smoking this much. Should I be concerned about his use?

Signed, Pothead's Partner

The Struggle Over Who Initiates Sex

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife and I struggle with who initiates sex. I used to initiate more often, but over the past six months or so, there have been multiple times when she said she wasn't in the mood. Now I find myself waiting for her to initiate so that we're doing it when she wants. She'd still like for me to initiate but I don't like being rejected so I hold back. She's assured me that nothing is wrong and she's still very attracted to me, but that sometimes she just doesn't feel like having sex. Neither of us are initiating much anymore, and our sex life seems to be in a slump. What should I do?

Signed, Initiation Hesitation

How do I get my partner to open up?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

Since we've been together, my partner has become increasingly shut down. I'd really like him to be more open, and recently approached him about it. He said he's tried to share his feelings with me in the past, and I've judged him. I don't ever remember doing that, but there have been a few times where I thought he was just making excuses for not doing what he said he would do. I would never want to judge his real feelings. How can I support him in opening up again?

Signed, Feeling Shut Out

I Stay Because I'm Afraid Of Being Alone

Dear Jeff and Lori,

I'm a middle-aged woman with two adult children. I've been unhappy in my marriage for many years. I told myself I would stay in it for the sake of our kids, but they're grown now. My husband works hard to provide, but he's very disconnected. Over the years, he has become increasingly more absent, and when I try to talk to him about it, he turns it around on me saying I want too much, and he is who he is. My friends are tired of my complaining and say I should move on. But I'm afraid of being lonely, of failing to provide for myself, and of not ever finding someone else. How do I get past the fear and do what I know is really best for me?

Signed, Afraid of Going Solo

Are We Ready For Marriage?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My fiance and I are getting married in October and have been struggling over some basic relationship issues in the past few months. Things like money and household responsibilities that have been workable in the past have become sticking points between us as we get closer to tying the knot. I'm feeling more stressed and increasingly worried about going through with the marriage, but she keeps reassuring me it will be better once the wedding is over. How do I know if this is just pre-wedding jitters or a bigger problem?

Signed, Getting Cold Feet

I can't stop stalking my ex on social media

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I think I'm losing it. I was in a two-year relationship that ended mutually about nine months ago. Even though we both decided it was best to move on, we thought we could try to be friends. For the first few months it was awkward, and then we just started drifting apart. It's been over a month since we've talked or seen each other. Part of me feels like it would be best to let this disconnection happen naturally and really move on. The problem is I can't stop checking his social media. I feel like I'm going crazy. I've stopped following him, but am still connected to his friends and family. Every time I see something in their feeds about him, I have the automatic reaction to go to his pages, and then I start going through every one of his posts and pictures. Help! How do I really let go?

Signed, Instagram Stalker

Catching A Unicorn: Is she out of my league?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I recently met a woman who may be the "one." She is kind, beautiful and independent with a promising career. The only problem is I'm starting to think she's too good for me. I'm worried she'll eventually realize she can do better and want to move on. I find myself increasingly on edge, constantly trying to analyze what she's thinking and where I stand — things I've never really done before. How do I navigate this situation and not lose the woman of my dreams?

Signed, Maybe Not Enough

How to manage in-laws' golden handcuffs

Dear Lori and Jeff,

When I met my wife five years ago, I had no idea of her financial status. I knew that her parents had a nice home and spent a lot of time traveling but she lived frugally and worked hard. When we got married, I learned about the extent of her family's substantial resources. Admittedly, they have been very generous—helping us with the down payment on our house, taking us on family vacations and starting college funds for our kids. The issue is that they’ve increasingly put pressure on us to raise the kids in specific ways, build our schedules and vacations around their needs, and spend money according to their values. We, and my wife in particular, have been struggling to say no because of everything they continue to give us.

Signed, Locked In Golden Handcuffs

Why are relationships so hard?

In the past few months, we've received several questions about why relationships are so hard.

It would be convenient to simply say that men are from Mars and women are Venus and the differences in our modes of operation and emotional needs create all of the challenges in relationships. While these gender differences do play a part in the struggle, we've found that same-sex relationships are just as challenging, even with both partners being from the same planet. Our beliefs around why relationships are so hard have more to do with a couple's ability and motivation to adapt to the many transitions that occur during the evolution of most relationships.

Getting in the mood is about more than sex

Dear Lori and Jeff,

When my husband and I first met, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. Just a simple look from him would make me want to jump him. Fast forward two years, and I just don't have the same interest in sex anymore. We still have a "good" sex life, but I'm rarely in the mood to initiate. Usually he has to get things going. I don't understand, because I'm still incredibly attracted to my guy. He's handsome, funny and smart, and no one else even comes close to sparking my interest. I'm still young, and want to have passion in my relationship, but it feels like something just turned off. Help!

Signed, Not in the Mood

Hating Dating

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I was in a relationship for longer than I should have been — mostly because I was dreading the idea of dating. When I first became single again, there was definitely a part of me that was excited by the idea of having the opportunity to meet attractive, single women. But actually having to date has been really frustrating and disappointing. I hate the idea of having to sell myself, and dating apps and sites seem so superficial and fake. I'm also past the bar-hopping phase in my life and am not looking for drunken one-night stands. I want a relationship. I've worked hard to establish a good life with a job I love, and am ready to share my passions and adventures with someone special. Where do I start?

Signed, Hating Dating

I want the relationship to work but he won’t change

Dear Lori and Jeff:

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years and I love him more than I've loved anyone else. He's smart, fun and always there for me. The problem is I'm comfortable with my emotions but he's closed off and won't really let me in. I want him realize how lucky he is to have me in his life and open up to me, but I really don't think he'll change.

Signed, Emotionally Lonely

Are you an ‘anxious attacher’ in your relationship? Here's how you can tell.

Dear Lori and Jeff,

About a year ago, I was set up with the perfect guy—he was attractive, successful and kind. We immediately had a strong connection. Then, after a few passionate months, I started worrying the spark was fading. He said he was falling for me, and couldn’t understand where I was coming from when I told him my concerns. I kept trying to find ways to bring the energy back, but he said it felt like I was trying to pick fights with him. I was wanting reassurance that he cared as much as I did, but instead he broke up with me. My friends say I have a pattern of sabotaging relationships with great guys. I think they may be right. What am I doing wrong?

Signed, Single and Confused.

How to Manage Resentment Over Wife for Not Working

My wife and I have been married for over 10 years and we have two kids. Things had been going well, for the most part, up until a few years ago. We’d previously agreed for my wife to stay home with the kids until they were both in school. However, for the first 2 years after the youngest started, my wife continued staying home.

Signed, Struggling To Move Forward

She Said, He Said: A Relationship advice blog written by Married, Marriage Therapists

Aspen Relationship Institute

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