Social media pulling wife from real life, family

Dear Lori and Jeff,
My wife spends a lot of time on social media, Instagram in particular. She says it keeps her connected with her friends but I feel like it’s starting to become more of an addiction or obsession that’s taking the place of face-to-face interactions with me and our kids. I don’t want her to give it up completely but how do I get her to put the phone down and be more present with the family?

Signed, Losing To Her iPhone

Dear LTHi,

Lori and Jeff: Relationship issues stemming from excessive screen time and social media have become increasingly prevalent in US culture. Psychological research on the topic is relatively new, but studies that have been conducted indicate the significant use of technology negatively impacts the quality of relationships. Researchers coined the term “Technoference” to refer to the daily interruptions to connection and communication caused by devices.

Lori: While there is currently no clinical diagnostic criteria for screen or social media addiction, exploration of abuse and dependence of digital media is growing. With any behavioral addiction, including gambling, shopping, eating, porn and social media, the compulsive behavior is often driven by a desire to feel differently. Social media platforms have created an experience that triggers the brain’s reward pathway. When a post receives a like or comment, the user gets a short-term hit of feel-good dopamine. For some individuals, this chemical reward can create an increased drive for more, creating what is called the “dopamine loop”. Loneliness, depression and feelings of isolation in particular have been correlated to social media addiction, and likely both a cause and effect. Meaning that individuals experiencing these emotional challenges may be more likely to abuse social media, and high use of social media tends to lead to more isolation. As individuals get sucked into their screens they miss opportunities for meaningful, nurturing personal connection.

With any addiction or behavioral dependence, sustained change often requires addressing the underlying cause. The addiction is not the core issue, but rather a symptom. If you want to support your wife in creating healthier habits, explore with her what emotional experiences and states of being are causing her discomfort. Then commit as a couple or family to creating healthy boundaries around the use of devices. Be encouraging and supportive and work together to identify more meaningful ways to share time together, engage in self care, and unwind.

Jeff: Relationships are often a mirror in which we get to see a version of ourselves through someone else’s eyes. Social media has created the opportunity to get hundreds of these reflections instantaneously at our fingertips without having to put in any work to actually build a relationship. With a swipe or tap, we get to choose which reflections we want to indulge in and which we want to ignore. By creating this kind of manufactured environment, we often experience artificial connections that superficially feed our need for affirmation, approval and validation. It’s easy to get pulled into a world of instant feedback on our devices as a way to feel better about ourselves in a world that can frequently invite self-doubt and insecurity.

This is especially true when we’re missing something from our actual relationships. Be curious about what your wife might want from you that she’s not getting, leaving her with few other options than her social media apps. Are there reflections of herself she might be wanting to see that are unavailable to her otherwise? Has she been pigeonholed into the role of wife and mother and perhaps lost sight of parts of her individual self that are desperately trying to be seen and acknowledged? Are there ways you can initiate (or rekindle) a different perspective of your wife that celebrates her strengths and individuality?

Lori and Jeff: Technology has a myriad of benefits, and whether we like it or not, it has become interwoven into the fabric of modern society. But it’s important to be thoughtful about what relationship you want to have with it and what role you would like it to play in your family culture. Be honest with yourself and each other about whether devices have become the go-to comfort for boredom, loneliness, stress or escape, and be curious about how to truly meet the underlying needs and desires.