Not ready for kids
Dear Lori and Jeff,
When my wife and I got married two years ago, we kind of swept the kid conversation under the rug. We are both in our early thirties and neither one of us were really sure what we wanted so we just didn’t really talk about it. Recently my wife’s sister had her first baby and now my wife is pushing for us to start a family. She says she’s ready for a new experience and is trying to convince me it will give us a new purpose to bond over. I disagree. We love each other, but we’ve had a lot of friction in our relationship, especially over the last year. I don’t believe we’re in a solid enough place to take on more responsibility and strongly believe we need more time to strengthen our marriage and actually enjoy each other. She seems to be getting increasingly more anxious and says she biologically doesn’t have that kind of time. How do we resolve this?
Signed, Not Kid Ready
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Valentine's Day
Dear Readers,
For many couples, Valentine’s Day is a fleeting moment marked with a nice dinner or a pretty present. This year we encourage you to embrace the day as an opportunity for a relationship restart. Coming off the whirlwind of holidays and the beginning of the new year, many couples find themselves in the fog of February. Instead of going through the motions of trying to artificially create romance, commit to truly nurturing your bond.
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My wife won’t forgive me
Dear Jeff and Lori,
My wife and I have been together for 16 years and the last few have been difficult. A year ago I had an emotional affair with a coworker that consisted of flirting in person and by text but went no further. It ended when she moved away and the distance gave me better perspective to know I was crossing a line. My wife found out shortly after and still has not forgiven me. For 8 months I’ve been on the receiving end of periods of silent treatment punctuated with anger and blame. Every once in a while she’ll acknowledge that leading up to my transgressions we were in a difficult place but insists that my betrayal was so far from warranted that she can’t understand how I could do this to her. We’re stuck, can you please give us some ideas of how to move forward.
Signed, Sentenced For Life
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New Year’s Resolutions
Dear Readers,
Lori and Jeff: The beginning of each new year has become synonymous with setting resolutions. We‘re inspired and excited to create fresh starts, set new growth goals, and move into that next best evolution of ourselves and our lives. But our dreams of great change for the next year can be stifled before we even get through the first month. The most common hurdles to success are creating goals that are too big or lofty, not having a clearly defined objective, lacking a concrete plan and doing it alone without support and accountability. For those of you seeking to improve connection in your relationship or marriage, we’d like to give you a solid starting place that addresses some of these barriers.
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Friendship Or Emotional Affair?
Dear Jeff and Lori,
Everyone who meets my wife loves her immediately. She has always been a little more social than me and is continuously making new friends. I’ve learned to be comfortable with all of her connections, knowing that I need to support her in being herself. However, I recently saw text messages on her phone from a guy that to me crossed a line. They have been communicating frequently, he calls her beautiful, and alludes to conversations about things she has been struggling with that I’m not even sure I fully know about. When I confronted her, she assured me they were just friends and that he knows she is happily married. She said he’s a very kind person who works at a non-profit where she volunteers and that I’m simply reading the situation wrong. I don’t believe she has done anything physical with him, but their interactions feel inappropriate. It’s making me not trust her even more that she won’t acknowledge how I feel. How can I get her to see that?
Signed, Vexed By Texts
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Thanksgiving Stress with In-Laws
Dear Jeff and Lori,
I’ve never fully clicked with my husband’s family. They are genuinely decent people with good hearts, but their way of interacting is just different from what I grew up with. They don’t live near us, so spending time together is concentrated into visits a few times a year, including over the holidays. This year they are coming to stay with us for over a week. I tried to share with my husband that 4-5 days was probably the most healthy amount of time and he agreed, but his parents insisted on coming for longer. They often bicker with one another and his mother makes little comments that feel judgmental of how I am as a wife and mother. When I share my experiences with my husband he validates that being around his parents can be stressful, but doesn’t ever actually stick up for me or set boundaries with them. Then I get frustrated with him. I don’t want this visit to end with us being upset with each other. Any advice would help.
Sincerely, In-law Overwhelm
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Blindsided
Dear Lori and Jeff,
My wife and I have been married for six years and she recently told me she was seriously thinking about ending the relationship because I was not meeting her emotional needs. I have been trying to figure out what I did wrong as I thought our marriage was going fairly well. We definitely have our moments when we fight and don’t talk to each other for a few days but we always seem to make up and move on. I feel totally shocked by the things she’s said recently and have asked her to give me another chance. What else can I do?
Signed, Blindsided
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Needing Space
Dear Lori and Jeff,
My partner and I are both in our 50’s and divorced. Six months ago she was unable to renew her lease and moved in with me. Since this change, I’ve begun feeling more claustrophobic and more easily irritated with her. She works from home and is always around. I used to look forward to seeing her, but now I’m excited every time she runs errands and I get a few moments to myself. I love her, but am starting to wonder if I need a partner who is more independent or has more going on in their own life.
Sincerely, Feeling Cramped
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Communication Challenges
Dear Lori and Jeff,
My wife and I are soon to be empty nesters and I’m worried about how our marriage will feel when the kids leave. There aren’t any major issues, but our daily communication causes concern. We do a good job of managing responsibilities together, but our interactions are often short and filled with snippy responses. It seems like we are constantly misunderstanding each other and feeling frustrated or annoyed as a result. We know we love each other. How can we start creating more ease and enjoyment when interacting?
Signed, Challenged By Communication
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How Can I Trust Him?
Dear Lori and Jeff,
My husband recently ran into one of his exes and apparently spent some time hanging out with her but never told me (I heard about it from a friend who saw them together). I’m not worried that he’s cheating but am angry that he’s not being transparent. It makes me wonder why he’s hiding the full truth. When I ask him, he says there’s nothing going on and his interactions with her are the same as running into any person he hasn’t seen in a while. We’ve been through this scenario a few times now and I’m still not dealing with it very well. How do I make him understand that he needs to tell me when he sees her?
Signed, Tainted Trust
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Understanding Attachment
Dear Lori and Jeff,
My long term partner and I recently took an online quiz to begin assessing our attachment patterns. We’ve read numerous articles and have listened to podcasts about attachment styles and were hoping that knowing our patterns would help improve our relationship. I lean more anxious and he’s higher on avoidant. It feels in some ways we’ve become more frustrated with each other and ourselves because, even though we’ve identified this, we don’t know what to do with it. We keep having the same conflict patterns and maybe were overly optimistic that knowing about our attachment styles would have resolved some of our issues. What can we do to actually create some change?
Signed, Attachment Newbie
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Birth Control Challenges
Dear Lori and Jeff,
My husband and I have been together for almost twenty years, have two beautiful children and, for the most part, are happily married. The one issue to which we can’t seem to find any resolution is birth control. Throughout our relationship, I’ve been the one who has held the responsibility for protection, through several different methods. But now that we are very certain that we don’t want more kids and I’m more than ready to no longer be manipulating my body, so I’ve asked him to get a vasectomy. He pushes back saying it’s too permanent and it will make him feel like less of a man. How do I get him to finally be the one to take responsibility for this aspect of our relationship?
Signed, Off The Pill
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I think my husband needs to talk to someone
Dear Jeff and Lori,
My husband has been through several stressors in the last year and as a result has become irritable and mildly depressed. While our marriage is still relatively positive, he complains to me about something in the world almost every day. I was happy to support him in the beginning, but I’m feeling emotionally worn out. I believe he may be going through an identity or mid-life crisis. When I try to make suggestions about what might help him feel better, he won’t listen to me. How can I get him to see a therapist who might be able to get through to him?
Signed, Married to Moody Man
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He's not ready for kids
Dear Jeff and Lori,
My husband has consistently been slow to commit throughout our relationship. He was hesitant to transition from dating to being in a relationship, to move in together and to get engaged. But in retrospect has always acknowledged being glad he did. Before we got married, I told him how important it was to me to get pregnant in the next two years because I want at least two children and am getting older. We’ve now been married a year and he again is resisting moving forward. He says he wants kids but isn’t ready yet. I know once he’s a dad he’s going to be great. He says he loves the life we have now and isn’t ready for the extra responsibility. I keep telling him no one is ever truly ready for their first kid and he just needs to have a little courage. How can I help him be more confident in becoming a dad soon?
Signed, Ready for Baby
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Not settling for good enough
Dear Lori and Jeff,
I’m 31 and still searching for a partner to share my life with and to start a family. I’ve been in several longer-term relationships since college but none of them have felt like they had any real lasting potential. I don’t want to sound conceited, but it seems like the caliber of available men these days is not what it used to be. I want a man who takes care of himself, provides for himself, is a genuinely good person and is ready for commitment. The men I’ve met seem less motivated to work, and less confident in who they are and where they’re going in life. I’ve decided I won’t settle for a partner who doesn’t measure up just because I’m ready to take the next step. Am I selling myself short?
Signed, Searching for a Man
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Social media pulling wife from real life, family
Dear Lori and Jeff,
My wife spends a lot of time on social media, Instagram in particular. She says it keeps her connected with her friends but I feel like it’s starting to become more of an addiction or obsession that’s taking the place of face-to-face interactions with me and our kids. I don’t want her to give it up completely but how do I get her to put the phone down and be more present with the family?
Signed, Losing To Her iPhone
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Why stay married if spouse is not a full partner?
Dear Lori and Jeff,
I still love my husband but things are going to have to change soon or I don’t think I’ll be able to keep going. While he makes a good living and works hard at his job, that’s about all he does to contribute to the family. I also have a full time job making almost the same as him but I take care of most of the household responsibilities and organize our kids' lives. He constantly finds free time to go skiing or bike riding or be with his friends. I’ve started to ask myself why I stay married when I have a spouse who isn’t really a partner. Can men like my husband really change?
Signed, Full Plate
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Learn to own your part in discord
Dear Lori and Jeff,
My marriage is deteriorating as my husband and I can’t seem to get past arguments or even minor disagreements. I’ve tried using the “I feel ___ when you ___” statements. But he still gets defensive and says since he doesn’t technically do anything “wrong” he shouldn’t have to apologize and take the blame. When I try to help him understand what he’s done, he turns it back on me, saying it was just a reaction to something I did or said. We get nowhere and eventually one of us shuts down or walks away. I want him to go to counseling to understand why he can’t apologize and learn to have more empathy for how his behavior affects me. He says he’s tired of always being labeled as the problem and that it’s not always his fault. What else can we do?
Signed, Owed An Apology
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Hurt by wife’s emotional affair
Dear Lori and Jeff,
Recently I found out that my wife has been having an emotional affair. She had been going through some tough times with the passing of her mom. I’ll admit that I wasn’t really available to support her through it as I travel a lot for my job. She has plenty of girlfriends to rely on so I never thought she’d get emotionally attached to another man. I know I need to work on showing up for her more but I’m angry that she didn’t tell me how bad it was getting for her. If she had said she was this unhappy, I would have figured out how to create more time for her. Now I don’t know how we get back from here. We both want our marriage to work but she’s resentful and I’m having a hard time trusting her. She said she has broken off communication with the other guy, but short of constantly checking her phone, I’m not sure how I can believe her.
Sincerely, Trust Busted
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Husband's Depression Impacting Relationship
Dear Lori and Jeff,
I think my husband is depressed and don’t know how to help. He says he’s fine, yet some days he has trouble getting things going in the morning choosing to stay in his pajamas or just wear sweats and not shower or shave. Other times he is irritable and snaps at me for things that don’t seem like they should be a big deal. He’s always had a difficult relationship with his mother and his dad passed away about a year ago and I don’t think he’s ever really dealt with it. His mood is significantly affecting our marriage and I walk around on eggshells. When I’ve suggested he get help, he becomes defensive. What should I do?
Signed, On Eggshells
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